slow down!

I just faxed back my authorization forms for credit and background checks. Now I'm sitting here thinking that maybe it's not a good idea to be so exictied about this job just yet. I will fail the credit check. My credit sucks! I took a 20 point hit just from losing my job. It wasnt great before I lost my job but it took a hard nosedive after. Then there's the criminal background check. Yes chickies.... I have a criminal record. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee and I'll tell you a story.

I dont even remember what year it happened. I was still married at the time and I'm divorced for 15 years already so maybe 1991? 92? I dont even remember if my son was even born yet so it might have been earlier than that. Anyway! There was one time that he'd been gone for about a week, we had no idea where he was or if he was dead or alive. I was driving down to his mothers house one day and I saw the car (MY car) parked on the street. I decided to leave a note on the windshield saying something like "stay gone" or something like that. I dont even remember what my note was going to say anymore. So I pull up behind the car, get out and walk to the front to leave my note. As I bent over the front of the car I saw it. There, hanging from the rear view mirror of the car that my mother gave ME, were a pair of extra large, purple silk panties. I lost my mind! It was my car so of course I had a key. I opened the door and snatched those panties down from the mirror so hard that I tore the mirror from the windshield. I calmly closed the door, hung those panties on the side mirror and lit them on fire!

Apparently he and his girlfriend were watching me from the window and of course they called the cops. I was arrested and charged with arson. Later, at the police station, the charge was reduced to disorderly persons and I was released on my own recognisence. At court I told the judge my story. When I had finished my retelling of the whole ordeal I said (and I remember this part like it happened an hour ago)... "I dont understand. I can stand in the middle of the street in front of this building and burn the US flag and you cant touch me. But I burn some pigs purple panties and you lock me up for it?". The judge laughed, then agreed and found me guilty of disorderly conduct. No fine. No probation. 35.00 court costs. Have a nice day.

So yeah. I have a criminal history lol And now it might come back to bite me in the ass.

stuff

I got in trouble the other day. BIIIIGGGG TROUBLE :) I had taken a pot roast out of the freezer and it was either cook it or throw it away. We all know that I dont have my car so I have to rely on others for transportation. I called my mother, she was working. I called my son, he was at the gym then had to go to work. I called my neighbor, the baby was sleeping and he couldnt take me. Normally I could've waited but it was 90 degrees and I needed to cook the roast in the crock pot (no way was I turning that oven on). Crock pot roasts take hours so I couldnt wait until everyone wasnt busy so I walked. According to mapquest, my local Pathmark is .68 miles away and I walked it!! OMG I WALKED IT!! Truth be told, I was dead by the time I got there. The pain was so bad that I was dragging my feet because I couldnt even pick my legs up but I made it!! My son called me when I was almost there to ask what I was doing. I told him that I was walking to the store. The next thing I knew he was behind me on line yelling at me like I was 12. "You could've killed yourself!". "Are you trying to put yourself in a wheelchair!!". He drove me home, helped me up the stairs and stormed out. Everybody has been yelling at me ever since. Yes, it was stupid for me to do it. Yes, sometimes my stubborn streak gets in the way of good sense and yes, it took 3 vicodin before I could walk from the couch to the bathroom afterwards. But they arent seeing the big picture here. I made it! 6 months ago I couldnt walk to the deli on the corner and 2 days ago I walked over half a mile! I'm sorry, they can be as mad as they need to. I'm proud of myself. Dont think I'll be trying that again anytime soon but I'm still happy.

What else? I went on another interview yesterday. While I was driving up there I got stuck in a storm like no other storm I'd ever seen. I was driving on a highway - speed limit normally 65mph. The rain was so heavy that nobody on that highway drove over 15mph. I couldnt even see the front of the car, nevermind what was in front of the car. The smart drivers pulled over to let the storm pass. I was already late and couldnt pull over. I made it up there 45 minutes late. I was so stressed over driving in that mess (I had never been more afraid to drive in my life). I got off the major highway and pulled onto a smaller state road that was flooded. The cops were directing people onto side streets to avoid getting stuck in the waters and I'd lost GPS signal. When I finally found the place I pulled into the first parking lot that I saw. This place was HUGE! There are 3 building complexes to this company, each complex has 4 or 5 buildings and each complex is about a mile and a half from the next one. First I was told that I was in the wrong building. I was directed to another building only to find out that I was in the wrong complex completely. I think going to the wrong complex hurt me even more than being late. The job is a +6 month contract to QA a new software build. The interview went great but the job requires following very detailed instructions but I couldnt follow directions to the right complex. I dont expect them to be calling any time soon.

I havent yet found a way to tell that other guy that I cant take his job. I know thats wrong! He knows that I dont have a car until late today so he isnt expecting me until tomorrow. I need to figure out a way to tell him that I cant work for him. It feels somehow wrong to me. I've prayed so hard for a job. Here I get one and I have to turn it down.

What else? OH!! I was whining about the scale saying 223 wasnt I? Apparently that was TOM weight. I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 217. Isnt that a nice number? :)

edit...

!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT THE JOB !!!!!!!!!!!

The recruiter just called me. They were very impressed with me yesterday and would like to offer me the position. It's a 6 month contract position with the possibility of permenant. Even if it's 6 months I'll take it!!! It's SO much more money than what I was making before. 6 months will give me the chance to catch up on all my bills and save a little money too. Then if the software they're designing takes off I could be hired perm!! OMG OMG OMG!! This nightmare is over!! Even if it turns out to be temporary, at least I can breathe for a little while

complicated

Hello Ladies!

I got a job. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that I cant take it. Here’s the story.

I saw an ad on Craigslist last Thursday advertising for a pc tech with starting pay between 20 and 30.00 an hour. I sent my resume off and hoped for the best. On Friday I got an email from them asking if I would be available for an interview either over the weekend or next week. Remember that accident my son got into? I had already made arrangements to drop my car off at the body shop first thing Monday morning. So since I knew that I wouldnt have a car all week, I told him that over the weekend was best. 4 days to replace a bumper?!? There should be a law! But anyway… back on track. He emailed me back on Saturday asking if I could meet with him on Sunday. As odd as a Sunday interview sounds, I accepted the meeting. He said that meeting with him on Sunday earned me bonus points.

The job is pretty straight forward. Fix whatever comes in. Go on job sites to install, train or support. Then he explained the pay schedule. There is no pay unless I go out on jobs. I get 35% of all jobs completed but there is no base pay. He told me 3 times during the hour and a half that I was there that business is slow right now (he blames the economy). Technically he is right about the 20-30 an hour but he neglected to mention in this ad that the 20-30 an hour is only for hours actually on a job site, not hours waiting for work to come in.

I just got an email from him. He wants me to start tomorrow. Fulltime from 8:30 to 5:30. So basically I’d be sitting there (without pay) until a job came in. If I take this job I will lose my unemployment. It could be days between jobs. He charges 75.00 per hour labor and I get 35% of that. What if there are no jobs coming in? Then I sit there for free and cant pay my bills at the end of the week. Since I’m sitting there across the desk from him I cant look for another job and like I said, I will lose my unemployment checks.

100% commission in this economy? We’ll be homeless by next

bugs and laundry

Thanks for you comments yesterday ladies. I have found so much inspiration in your words on your own blogs and all I do these days is whine. What must you all think of me!

I'm trying to stay positive but it's so damn hard! Every day rejection after rejection after rejection. Every day I get to see the look of disappointment in my boys faces when they want to do something or go somewhere but are afraid to ask because they know what the answer will be. I feel like I've ruined their lives.

I know the economy is in the tank and things are hard for everyone but people ARE getting jobs! 100's of them are posted online every day and I've been passed up for all of them. I'd planned on going back to school, I researched online universities to death and I'd finally settled on one but was turned down for financial aid. Rejected by employers. Rejected by colleges. Rejected by what I thought was a great guy. I'm even rejected by a piece of shit guy! I look in the mirror and see a big FAT ugly failure. My weight is back up to 223. I'm losing the same 5 pounds over and over. Apparently I cant even do that right. I just dont know how much more I can take.

Oh look! MORE whining. Just what you wanted to see huh? lol

OK so on to hopefully better stuff. We did laundry yesterday. I was in my room about to start putting my clothes away and a centipede the size of a schnauzer ran under my bed. I ran screaming out of them like a little girl! I've been afraid to go in there ever since. I even slept on the couch. What if that thing is in there waiting for me to come in? What if it's crawled up inside my box spring and is in my bed? Or crawls up on my sheets while I'm sleeping? OMG what if it's made a new home in my laundry bag with my clean clothes!??!! I'm So totally screwed.

not good enough…. again

Well. I didnt get that job either. She was supposed to call me on Friday. When she didnt I knew it wasnt a good sign but tried to stay positive. She just called a few minutes ago. They went with someone who had more recent restaurant point of sales experience. The longer I have no job the harder it will be to find a job. I lost this one to a guy with "more recent experience". That's the FIFTH second interview I have had. What the hell is wrong with me?!!??! Five second interviews and I still dont have a job? Why wont anybody hire me? There is always somebody just a little bit better than me who gets the job. Thats the story of my life. There is always someone better than me. Remember that guy that I thought I'd found? He vanished. I dont know why. We were getting along great. Hours on the phone every night, long talks over dinner... then he just disappeared. He went away last weekend for work, said he'd call on Monday when he got home. He didnt. I waited until Wednesday before I called him. He said he was sleeping, said he'd worked a double and was exhausted. He told me he had to work another double on Thursday but would call me on Friday. He didnt. No call Friday or Saturday or Sunday. I can take a hint. I wont be calling him again.

Why cant I ever be good enough? Good enough to get a new job. Good enough to keep my husband. Good enough for 14 years to commit to. My bodys broken but not broken enough to be on disability. I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. About the only "enough" that I can be is "big enough" or "fat enough". Oh I'm real good at being fat enough!

Anyway. I took my son down the shore again. We left Friday and got home late last night. My son had a great time even though we didnt make it back to the boardwalk. I didnt have ENOUGH money to take him. Add THAT to the list of "not good enough's". I was so proud of him. He asked once on Friday if we could go play more games, I apologized and told him why we couldnt. He never asked again. It must have been so hard for him to sit on the beach everyday with the boardwalk in sight. But he didnt ask. I know he wanted to but he didnt. My kids have been forced to grow up so fast it breaks my heart.

interview/beach

I had my interview yesterday. Sorry that I didnt post when I got home, we had some extra craziness here most of the day. I got there at 10. I met with the HR lady who asked me a bunch of questions. About an hour into our conversation she asked if I'd be available for a second interview. Of course I said yes and asked when she was thinking of scheduling it. She said "1:00?" So I went to lunch and then I went back. This time I met with the IT manager. He and I talked for about an hour. I felt it went REALLY well and apparently I was right. The HR lady called me a few minutes ago. She said that she wanted to tell me that I'd done "exceptionally well" and was "at the moment at the top of the list". They have a few more interviews today and tomorrow but she will definately be calling me Friday with an update.

I hope I hope I hope :)

The beach was amazing!! I'd forgotten how much I love the ocean. We had a great time. It was my son's first time on the boardwalk and he loved it. Whenever I take my kids to the beach we go to a quiet little town with no boardwalk to spend $10000 on. Where we go is just sand and water and they're happy with that. I thought his eyes were going to explode when he saw all the rides, food and games. I gave him 40 bucks and told him that was all the money we had to spend, so spend it wisely. He played air hockey, basketball and a racing car video game at the arcade. He put 2 bucks into one of those machines with the claw in it to try and win an ipod. He put his money in, he positioned the claw directly over one of the ipod boxes and hit drop (or whatever that stupid thing says). The claw fell onto the box and picked it up. He was all kinds of happy thinking he'd won then the box fell out of the claw. He was so funny! "OMG what a gip!". He won a Scene It: Pirates of the Caribbean game at one of the wheel stands (his first try too) but his favorite part of the night was getting to shoot some poor guy at a paint ball stand. He was really upset that it cost 10.00 for 100 paint balls and it was over in about 40 seconds but he loved that he hit the guy so many times. I was proud of him for not spending all of his money. He learned quick after the ipod incident... most of those games are designed for people to lose.



We got home around midnight. We had such a nice time. We drove home without the radio on and talked until our cheeks hurt... THAT was my favorite part of the day. My friend has the house until Saturday so we might go back down Thursday and come home on Friday. Have to see if I can afford it or not.

beach tomorrow!

My friend rented a beach house for 2 weeks and every day she asks me to come down there. But every day my son has had my car for work so I cant but he's off tomorrow. Now I SHOULD be responsible and take it to get an estimate on that body work but I'm not. I'll do that on Wednesday (his last day of work). Tomorrow I'm goin to da beech!! lol

oh.... and I'm NOT wearing a bathing suit :)

trying again

This morning I saw a posting on monster.com. I replied to it and sent my resume. After monster I always check Craigslist. I saw that same posting and replied to it again. Then I saw a fax number on that craigslist posting. I faxed my resume too! lol The woman called me a little while ago. I have an interview with her on Tuesday. I want this job. I can do this job. It’s exactly what I did at my old job except its a restaurant chain and not fitness store chain. If I dont get this job I’m jumping off the roof.

I couldnt sleep last night. At 2am I got up out of bed, took out the biggest bowl in the cabinet and filled it to the top with Capn Crunch with Crunchberrys. I know that eating at that time is a HUGE no-no but I couldnt help myself. To make up for it I had a slimfast shake for breakfast and a Lean Cuisine chicken dish for lunch. Capn Crunch isnt THAT bad calorie wise. 3/4 of a cup = 1 serving and 1 serving with 1/2 cup of skim milk is 140 calories. I’m going to estimate that my bowl was about 2 cups. And you know what? Those Lean Cuisine people should be ashamed of themselves! I had one of the baked chicken meal thingys. The tray was small enough to fit on a dessert plate and 2 of the smallest pieces of chicken that I have ever seen! That’s not food!!

My son has had my car again all week. I feel like a prisoner in my apartment. I cant go anywhere on my own. Right now I’m waiting for my mother to finish work so that she can drive me to Costcos. I still havent even gotten an estimate for how much the repair from his accident is going to cost me. I called it into the insurance company the next day but havent done anything else. He has the car from 11 in the morning until 11 at night. There’s been no time to have it checked out. I have to get it checked out soon, I dont know how long I have from the time I file the report until it’s fixed.

wrong

Somehow I misjudged how well my interview went the other day. I felt it went really well. The woman that I interviewed with even asked my availability for Thursday and told me that she’d be calling me with a time to meet with the director. Somehow I misunderstood or something because she never called.

I blew off that other interview. I got all dressed, got my paperwork & resumes together, grabbed my keys and thought “whats the point?” and sat back down. What was the point of driving all that way for nothing. I wasnt going to get that job either.

I’m having a lot of “whats the point” moments lately and I dont know what to do about them.

technology hiatus

I took a hiatus from all technology. Everytime I turned on the computer or the tv I felt sick and turned it off. I'm truely sorry if any of you were his fans but the whole media circus around this pervert turns my stomach. In my opinion the second he was accused to indecent acts against children everything that he did in his career became null & void.

When his sister accused him of molesting her I said "oh she's just jealous" and a few weeks later she recanted. Then comes the maid and her son and I thought "they just want money" but then comes this other kid and then comes this little cancer patient. One accusation you can ignore. But FOUR?!!? How many DONT we know about? I believe that Latoya recanted because she caved into the family pressure. He paid the maid $2 million to shut up. He paid that first little boy (Jordy Chandler) and his family in the neighborhood of $22 million dollars to shut up right before the police were about to file formal charges. If I were accused of a crime and I knew that I was innocent I'd pay my attorneys 22 million dollars to get me publically acquitted, not pay my accusors to disappear. And this 3rd little boy. How in the world would he have known about a birthmark on MJ's genitals?? I watched news coverage of that trial and what I saw would have made OJ's lawyers proud.

This is a man who admitted to giving young children alcohol. Who admitted to sleeping with children on national tv. What do you have to hide if you have 4 locks on your bedroom door? You can see it in the "ghost video" that my son made me watch. 4 locks, right there plain as day. The camera even focus's on them. I dont have 4 locks on my bedroom door. Do you?

The news coverage and public worship of this man is disgusting. They're calling him a musical genius yet he hasnt done anything worth bragging about in 15 years. Well... other than being arrested for child sex abuse and paying off other accusors.

You know what else made me nuts? Everyone saying "he was taken from us so early" He wasnt taken! He killed himself! Whether intentionally or not, the man spent the last 20 years addicted to pain killers. He admitted to friends and family that he had an addiction but instead of getting help he choose to continue self-medicating. You gotta know that kind of abuse eventually catches up to you. HE even knew!! Lisa Marie has gone on record as saying that he told her he would "end up like Elvis". If you were afraid you'd end up dead like Elvis wouldnt you stop doing the things that Elvis did? But yeah, everyone is shocked and amazed that he's dead.

Our economy is still in the tank, soldiers are dieing, trains are crashing, people are revolting and this guy tops the headlines every day for over a week?!? Hopefully since his funeral was today the news can go back to what's really important. Speaking of that funeral... overkill anyone? I didnt watch it but did it have to be on EVERY CHANNEL? Even ESPN covered it!

Anyway... rant over :) I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Whats been going on since I boycotted the media? I didnt get that job. The guy was a jerk so I'm kind of relieved. Since I havent been on the internet I havent checked Monster for new postings but I have been getting emails from recruiters on my blackberry. I had a telephone interview on Thursday that resulted in an in-person interview today which turned into a "meet the director" interview on this Thursday. I'm pretty confident that I got this job but I'm not sure that I can afford to take it. On the one hand it's a home office setup so I dont have to worry about commuting or traffic or "bad back days" (of which there are many). On the other hand, it's 8k less than what I made at my last job. That's a HUGE paycut. But on another hand lots of people are being asked to take paycuts or work less hours these days but yet another hand smacks me in the head and reminds me that we were barely surviving on what I made before. How many hands is that anyway?

I have another interview tomorrow for another company. This one is about 45 minutes away (over an hour in traffic - not sure I can sit that long) and 15k MORE than what I made at my last job.

I think I might have met someone but I'm not going to jinx it by saying anything outloud yet.

Son #2 passed his road test and got his license on Monday. He got a job on Tuesday and wrecked my car on Wednesday :) But you know what? I've FINALLY gotten below the 220 line!!! I weigh 219 but it's under 220 so it counts :D