New job

I started my new job yesterday. Sorry I didn't post an update but when I got home I was exhausted. I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep Sunday night. It was so hot I couldn't get comfortable. It's a miracle that I didn't fall asleep at my desk.

The job is great. I like what they have me doing but I'm beginning to question my decision to take this position. I don't work for the company. I work for the agency who was contracted to fill the position. I've never done contracting before and if the economy wasn't this bad I wouldn't be doing it now. I've always only looked for permanent positions and I don't know anyone who has been contracted for more than a few months before either being hired by the company or let go. The guy upstairs did a 3 month contract and at the end of his 3 months he was unemployed again. My friends husband was hired for a 6 month contract and in his 5th month he was hired perm. THAT was what I was expecting to happen here.

Yesterday I found out that 90% of the people working for this company are contracted employees. They just keep renewing their contracts. One guy has been there almost 6 years on contract. At first I thought "that's great!" then on the way home I realized some stuff. Contract work isn't all that great.


The company is closed for the week between Christmas and New Years. I wont be working because they're closed. I also wont be getting paid because I'm not working. There are zero holidays, zero sick days, zero PTO days. If I'm hired by the company they have 12 holidays and a full week in December but since I'm working for the agency I get nothing and this company doesn't ever hire anybody.

What happens if (God forbid) I get sick? Swine Flu is a global pandemic. What if I (God forbid) catch it and have to miss a week of work? I cant afford to not get paid. My back still isn't fixed. What if I need more surgery down the road? Who pays my rent, food and bills while I'm in the hospital? And then there's the health insurance.

I took this job hoping to be hired perm at the end of my 6 months. I didn't think much about the insurance. I was offered health insurance but the agency doesn't offer family coverage. They only offer coverage for the employee and I have to pay 25% of the premium. When I got laid off from my last job I applied for NJ Family care. It's a state sponsored HMO for low income people without health insurance. 3 kids and my unemployment check qualified me as low income so my kids were approved, but you have to re qualify every year. If they renew my contract my kids will lose their insurance. I make too much money to stay on the familycare and the agency doesn't offer coverage for them. What happens then?

I have to think about these things. I cant afford not to. Sure the pay is good but it's not SO good that I'll be able to bank half of my paycheck in case of emergency. It's not SO good that I can afford personal health insurance for my kids. It's not like I can put them on their fathers plan. He's spent the past 15 years working off the books to avoid child support so you know the jerk doesn't have a health plan at his job. 129k in arrears. Every time I think about it my blood boils.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish my life wasn't always this hard.

I learned a few other things too. I learned that my pain level is in direct proportion to my appetite. The more pain I am in, the more food I need to eat. I hurt my back pretty bad on Saturday. I was walking the dog and bent down to pick up after her. I must've twisted in a bad way or something because I was in excruciating pain all day Saturday and on Sunday. Then, walking around at work on Monday made it worse. I was too tired to eat yesterday but OMG did I need food on Sunday. I figured it was what my body needed so I indulged that need but I tried to make the foods that I ate healthy. I didn't dive into a cheesecake but boy did I want to!

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women!

What is it about us women that makes us so incredibly stupid when it comes to men and marriage? OK, so maybe stupid isnt the right word. I cant even think of a word to use that fits this situation.

I have this friend, lets call her Anne (not her name). She sat in my livingroom not 6 months ago complaining about her husband. He talks down to her, he doesnt respect her, he thinks he's better than she is, smarter than she is. You get the picture. Anyway, 6 months ago she's sitting here telling me that she's tired of it. She put her life on hold for this man. Gave up a career that she loved to work for 7.00 an hour in his law office. She doesnt deserve it and in October (after his birthday) she is going to ask for a divorce. "Why are you waiting until October?". "I dont want to ruin his birthday".

WHAT?!?! I wanted to hit her with a pillow! lol

Well, something happened 2 weeks ago with his daughter (adult daughter) and she snapped. She told him she was moving out of their house by the end of the week. Again I tried to talk sense into her. The mortgage is in YOUR name. The insurance is in YOUR name. The bills are in YOUR name. Dont move out of that house, you could stand to lose it in the divorce. Or worse still, he can ruin her financially by not paying anything. Nope. She's moving out because "he promised to take care of everything". Sure Anne, he's been a real upstanding guy all these years. No reason to think that will change right?

So the other night she is out with some other friends of ours and one of them happened to mention that nobody ever really liked him anyway because of the way he spoke to her and put her down when she wasnt around.

She called me spitting nails! Now here is where the majority of my confusion comes from. She knew he was a pompous ass. Did she honestly think nobody else noticed? 6 months ago she and I talked at length about what kind of man he was and now she wants to cry and scream because other people saw him for who he really was too. It really wasnt much of a secret.

I just dont get it.
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Monday it is

I finally got the OK. I start work on Monday. They still havent verified my diploma but are letting that slide for now. The IT manager is getting upset because it's taking so long. It really has been a long time too. I was contacted by the recruiter about the position back in June. Something happened over there, I dont know what, but it put the project on hold for a month. I had my interview on the 28th and was hired on the 30th.

I'm printing out the 100's of pages of stuff that they sent me. I have to sign everywhere and bring it in with me Monday morning. I swear it's the size of the yellow pages. I REALLY hope it's a good hair day.

I wish it was Tuesday instead tho. My youngest son's football season started last week and the parents meeting is Monday at 6. I dont know what my hours are yet, all I know is that I have to be there at 8am Monday morning. But if I have to work until 5, it's easily an hour and a half home because of the traffic. That means that I will miss the meeting. I hate not being able to be involved.

My kids suffered last year because I was a cripple. They suffered the year before because of my surgerys. I missed almost all of their games, I swore that once I was feeling better I would never miss another one. I promised that no matter what I would be the one to take them to practices, scrimages and pep rallys.

But I didnt plan on losing my job. My boss had always told us, if you do your job and you do it well... you will always have a job here. I did my job and I was good at it. I loved my job and I thought it would always be there. I didnt count on the economy taking a nose dive. Now I have a job but it's 45 minutes away from home. 45 minutes WITHOUT traffic. I wont be the one to take him to practices. I wont be the one at parents meetings. My mother gets that honor again.

We've be in a whole lot of trouble if it werent for my mothers help over the years. She cooked for us when I couldnt stand up long enough to do it. She took my kids where ever they needed to go. She's cleaned my apartment, walked my dog & scrubbed my toilet. I owe her everything. But I'd be lying if I said that a tiny piece of me resents all the times that she was there for my boys because I couldnt be.

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whatever happened to...

the octomom? I found myself thinking about this woman today. The press went so far out of their way to get us interested in this woman and her kids then just they just moved on, leaving us to wonder what's up now. I was among those sick to death of hearing about her, but now that she's not a "top news story" I think I'm missing her. I think that's a little insensitive of our news media. She dominated the headlines for months! Now theres barely a word.

I decided to google her today and guess what? She's getting a Fox tv special on the 19th AND a reality show! lol There's what we need... more reality tv. On the upside, at least she'll have a job and money for all those kids.

What else? Lets see.... I dont start my new job tomorrow either. They're telling me that they still havent verified my hs diploma.

They've verified every other document they could find that pertains to my personal history and a 30 year old document is holding them up? Do they think I forged it? Anyway, I dont know when I'll be starting this job. I'm thinking maybe Monday. I hope so anyway.

Last night I watched a show on one of the PBS channels called Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits For 2 hours this Dr Dyer talked about how we carry the things we learn in our childhood with us for the rest of our lives and how those things affect our every day lives. He didnt talk much about how to change that thinking (you have to buy the book for that) but he really explored what makes up the majority of our thoughts and what's really behind our excuses. I've never been one for "self-help books" but I bought the book today. What's the harm? It's not I'm doing a great job with my life on my own.

Tomorrow I go back to logging my calories. I havent done that in a few weeks. I wanted to see if I'd learned enough to do it right without adding the numbers. I havent gained any weight, but I havent lost any either.

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what a day!

Today it was all I could do to not dive head first into a chocolate cake. Somehow I resisted the urge and settled for a small piece but let me tell you... in my heart I had the whole plate in one hand and a fork in the other!

I am not starting my new job tomorrow as planned. I cant even tell you when I will be starting this job. Apparently they are still waiting on some background info. I have bent over backwards for these people giving them every single little piece of information that they have asked for and they're still asking for more.

First it was my GED and HS diploma. Then I was subjected to TWO drug tests. The criminal background check. They didn't find out about my arson charge BTW. The law only allows them to go back 7 years for misdemeanors. They needed to know every address I have had in my life. Every name that I have used. They needed SIX professional references and three personal ones. I thought it was over. I was wrong.

First thing this morning I get a phone call. They arent able to see the raised seal on my diploma and now need to see the original. Excuse me but I am NOT sending these strangers my HS diploma! I sent them the transcript from my GED. I sent them the transcript from the MCSE training program that I took. I sent them my Microsoft ID numbers and test scores. But I have to draw the line at sending them original documents.

I figured if I scan the diploma to the computer and email them the file they will be able to see it in color instead of a faxed copy and maybe they'll be able to make out the seal. I sent that to them only to get a return email saying that they still cant see the raised lettering. Now I scan the back of the diploma so that they can see the imprints on the back from the seal. The company that I am supposed to work for said that was fine. The background checking company that the company I'm supposed to work for hired to check my background has yet to approve it. Yes, apparently even though the company itself will accept this, they still need the other company to sign off on it.

Then they call me back to say they havent as yet gotten anybody to verify my salary. Verify my salary? When did this come up? What does my salary at my last job have to do with the job that I have been offered? I know what you're thinking.... they need my salary history to gauge how much they are going to pay me for this job. But thats not it. I already have a signed job offer in my hands complete with a job description, salary, hours and bonus's. I feel like they just need this to be nosey.

First I'm told they need to speak to someone who worked at the company with me to verify that I worked there. I gave them that. Then they tell me they need to speak to someone who currently works at the company to verify how long I worked there. I gave them that. Now they are telling me that none of the people that they have spoken to are good enough because none of them can tell them how much money I made.

I'm feeling a HUGE invasion of privacy here. They have poked into every inch of the last 30 years of my life. They know when I was married. They know when I was divorced. They know my childrens names and ages. They checked into every job that I have ever had, both full and part time. They ran my drivers license. They ran a credit check even though they specifically told me that they would not be checking that. They probably even know my shoe size. I wouldnt be surprised if they've traced my ip address and are reading this blog tonight. I flat out told them that I'm beginning to feel violated by this whole process. If GETTING a job with this company is so difficult, I'm afraid to think about what actually working for them will be like.

If they had told me from the very beginning that they needed salary verification I would've somehow gotten it to them. They told me they needed W2's or paystubs showing my first and last weeks with the company to verify my tenure. Salary history was never mentioned until today. TODAY! When I'm supposed to start tomorrow. And the only person they are willing to speak to is someone in the HR department at my old job.

My old job is bankrupt. They are closed, out of business. Nobody works there anymore. It took hours on the phone to get someone over there to understand this and get them to accept testimony from someone who worked at our sister company on the west coast. Today they tell me that because the person I told them to speak to cant tell them how much money I made, he doesnt count. They want to speak to HR. The HR director was also the company controller and the sister company has just filed for bankruptcy. She is up to her neck in the process of paperwork, hearings, inventory liquidations, closing stores and trying to sell others. This woman hasnt returned a single phone call they made to her last week and so far she isnt returning any this week either. I think its safe to assume she's a little busy. If she hasnt called back by now I doubt she ever will.

Get this. I'm ranting about all of this to the recruiter who found me. This is the man who found my resume online, got me the interview and also got me more money than I was asking for. I'm on the phone ranting about this whole mess. I wanted to know why my salary history is so damned important. What I made at my last job has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I can do that job that I'm being hired for. He tells me that he will make a few phone calls to see why all of this is happening. A little while later I get an email...

"Salary History is considered a standard when verifying employment
through a verification company, this information is not a required response. Most firms choose not release this information without written consent from their employees. "

So... let me see if I got this right. This information is NOT required and they're EXPECTING to be told that since I havent signed a consent form they cant get the information anyway. But they're holding up my start date until they can get an official NO from the HR lady? Does that make sense to anybody? Because I'm sure as hell confused!

I will be 45 years old in October. I have been working all of my adult life and I have NEVER, EVER been asked to provide half of this information. Nevermind give them my high school diploma. Every single second of my adult life has been disected and laid out to display. They have violated more of my privacy than a 6 month contract position requires.

I was telling my son all of this today and he said "who are you working for? the FBI?". I'm thinking even the FBI wouldnt even require this much bullshit.
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The 3/50 Project

Instead of whining about how miserable I am. Or how much weight I'm NOT losing, I've decided to do something productive today and spread some useful information.

I recently came across a blog called Thinking Out Loud and she was talking about the future of the smaller "mom & pop" companies in this economy. This is where the 3/50 project comes in and, forgive me for quoting someone else's blog here but she says it much better than I ever could. I'm giving her credit and posting her link so I hope that makes it halfway ok.

"Everyone is feeling the pinch right now--all types of businesses--
including larger chains. But the small brick and mortar businesses are feeling it more than others. What I see when I go into these stores is not just products or price tags, but someone's dream or passion. Meeting these store owners is inspiring, and right now heartbreaking, as they try everything to simply keep
their doors open.

The basic premise is this: Look around your community and pick three brick and mortar businesses that you love and frequent, that you would miss if they weren't around. Make a point of going to those businesses and spending $50 in each one. It is a simple plan to help these businesses survive, but it also means helping to secure the patchwork of diverse businesses in our communities.

Even if you can't spend $50, spend $5.00. Every little bit helps. And if you can't spend $5.00, just pass the word along. When this recession turns around, and it will, we don't want to be left with only national chains standing."

Check out their website http://www.the350project.net/home.html for more information.
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LOVE Toyota waranty!

I jsut got back from picking up my car. They had to put a new computer and a new trans in. Something about the computer failure to release some code... I dont know. When it comes to cars I'm lucky I know where the key goes.

I've spent DAYS worried about how much all of this was going to cost me. Worried about mileage. Worried about labor. Worried about 35.00 a day rental fee. I've worried myself sick over this.

This morning they called to tell me the car was ready. I took a deep breath and get to get it. My car was 100% completely covered! ZERO BALANCE! The computer was covered 100% by my Toyota waranty. The trans, labor and rental car fees were covered 100% by my Toyota extended waranty. My total bill came to $3709.00 and I paid nothing :)

That extended waranty cost me $589.00 when I bought the car. That's the BEST 600 bucks I ever spent :)

Still no word from the piece of shit.

I got my new drug test paperwork this morning. I guess I'll go for that this afternoon. Maybe I'll take the kids to the beach tomorrow before I start work on Wednesday.

This week is starting out so well that I went and bought myself a lottery ticket

stupid stupid stupid

I did something monumentally stupid. I was going to give the neanderthal another chance. I know! I know! BIG mistake but I couldnt help myself. He came here Thursday night. He was so sweet and sad. How much he missed me. How sorry he is. He wanted to stay the night but I said no. I could've said yes, nobody was home. But something inside me screamed NO. He asked if he could come back on Friday and I said yes. He didnt show up. He called yesterday and said that he had called here but got no answer, he figured I'd gone out. Why would I go out if I was expecting him? He swore that he called. It was a lame excuse, I was home waiting and nobody else was here. Somehow I convinced myself that maybe one of the kids was on the phone before they left and didnt answer the beep. He said he would see me that night. The kids went out and I sat here waiting. I waited until 2am then went to bed. It's after 9pm and he hasnt called yet. I will NOT call him no matter how badly I want to. I want to call and tell him what a jerkoff he is but I have to be honest. There's this voice whispering in my ear telling me there was a good reason. I hate that voice. It lies. It lets me do things that I know are stupid and wrong.

I just cannot believe I let myself do this again. Why is it so hard to let go? We were together for 14 years. I spent every day of each year planning a future for us. We had a child together. My head wants to scream at "what did I do wrong". But I know it wasnt me who broke us. He refused to budge. He lies and he cheats and refused to make any type of sacrifice at all. It was his way or no way and I hate him for making me waste so much of my life on a lie. But damnit I am sooo tired of being alone. I'm no good alone. I just dont get it. I see other women, they have somebody. Women bigger than me, plainer than me, nastier than me. They all have somebody to hold them at night. What am I doing wrong? I tried the dating thing. I posted about my dating thing. None of them worked out.

I watched a movie on Lifetime tonight. The woman was psychic and she saw things. Mostly she saw people getting murdered but she saw other things too. I sat here half wishing that I could see the future too. I want to see into the future and see that I wont be alone for the rest of my life. But I have this strong, nagging feeling that I will.

I can sit here right now and say outloud "I would rather be alone than to be treated like shit" but I think on some level that might be a lie.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that I dont need a man. Nobody NEEDS one but I sure as hell WANT one.

I didnt eat today. I had my 3 cups of coffee like I normally do but that was it. I had half of a hamburger for dinner and some salad. I know that I should eat but I dont want to.

I hate this blog design
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oops. I did it again

I really wish these blogs had an option to set the publish status to immediately instead of it defaulting to unplublished. I've been posting all week but stupid me forgot to change the status again.

Sorry!!

I made the BEST dinner last night. I've been trying to calculate the calories in this salad but cant find a way to do it. I've been craving macaroni salad but cant justify the mayonnaise in my head. There are so many calories in mayo and I dont think the fat free stuff has any taste. So here's what I did. Keep in mind that I'm feeding teenagers so I had to make a lot.

2 boxes of Ronzoni Rigatoni (the regular kind, the whole wheat pasta was more expensive and I couldnt afford it)

1 pint of cherry tomatoes (sliced in half)

2 green peppers (chopped)

1 bottle of Kens Lite Creamy Caesar dressing.

Mix all of that up and put it in the fridge to get cold.

Then I took 1 pound of boneless chicken breasts. Sliced each breast in half (to make the chicken thinner) and marinated it in 1/2 cup of fat free italian dressing for about an hour. I cooked the chicken outside on the bbq grill, chopped it into chunks and mixed it into my pasta salad. THE KIDS LOVED IT! I cant imagine it having too many calories but OMG it was even better today for lunch.

My mother and her friend stopped by last night. Her friend has lost over 80 pounds. I should have been inspired by this. Instead I was sad. She looks horrible. Her skin is sagging everywhere. Folds and folds of it, her cheeks are hanging down almost into her neck, her arms and legs are so droopy and wrinkled you can barely make out her knees and ankles. I can only imagine her midsection. I found myself wondering which looks worse. To be fat and overweight or to have all of that skin hanging from your body. I know that's wrong but I couldnt help thinking it and I'm probably going straight to hell for not being able to stop thinking about it.

Am I wrong for being afraid of it? I mean, is this a real concern for people?
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if it’s not one thing, its another.

The recruiter called me today. I was supposed to start work on Monday but they're changing it to Wednesday. The IT manager wants to be there on my first day and he'll be out of the office Monday and Tuesday. That's fine by me. More time to be lazy :)

My drug tests results came back. My "sample was too watered down for any type of definitave result" so I have to go back and take another one. Watered down? They make it sound like I turned on the sink to fill the cup. This place that I went to... they didnt even have a sink in the room they sent me into and they had one of those toilets that only use water to flush. How could they think I'd cheat? Well, in fairness, they didnt actually SAY they thought I cheated but I dont know what else could be implied. I woke up at my normal time. I'd only drank 3 cups of coffee and half a glass of iced tea all day, and the test wasnt until 1:00! Thats 5 hours! How could this sample be watered down? Anyway, I have to go back on Tuesday and take another one. This time I've been advised to not drink anything all day. It's just more bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit. I got another email from those background checkers. This time they want (and I'm pasting the actual text here so I dont misquote them)

*Pay stub or 1099 indicating that you received income. XXXX(company name)XXXX asks that you supply documentation that shows both the starting and the ending dates of employment.

*Another contact name and number of an authorized party that is currently employed with the company that can verify your employment.

Now. 2 things wrong with this request. First, they want pay stubs from the day I was hired and another one from my last day of employment. Who keeps paystubs for that long? We're talking 2003 here. I dont have paystubs from 2003! The other thing wrong with this request is this... they KNOW the company filed for bankruptcy and closed their doors. Exactly who do they want to hear from? Nobody works there anymore!! I offered to give them names and numbers of people who worked there when I did but they dont want that. They're insisting on speaking to someone who still works there to testify that I used to work there. Arent my tax records and W2's enough??

What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are they running over there anyway? All they've done on their own is a credit check. A credit check that wasnt authorized by the way! Everything else they've needed to check on is being supplied by me. Exactly what are they getting paid for?

I cannot believe that I have to go through so much shit for a temp job.

Toyota called. They've finally gotten permission from the extended waranty department to replace my transmission. They're ordering a new trans today and hope to have my car fixed in the next few days. NEXT FEW DAYS?!!? If they ordered the trans today, they MIGHT have it in by Monday (probably Tuesday). Then a day or 2 to put it in. I have to start work on Wednesday at a job 33 miles away at 25 cents a mile. Not to mention the 35 a day they're charging me just to have the car. I've already had the car for 3 days and now including the weekend I'm looking at at least 4 or 5 more days until I get mine back. OK, the trans and labor are covered under the waranty so I wont have to pay for that. But where am I getting the money for this other stuff?

I need a drink :)
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lemon ice and nightmares… oh boy

My son has eaten almost 2 gallons of cherry lemon ice since yesterday. I'm also shoving milk shakes down his throat. I know the milk causes more mucus but he needs something to coat his stomach so these pain pills dont make him puke. Thats all he needs! He's still in major pain. The pain pills arent working for him at all. I feel so bad for him. I wish I could make all of it go away.

I get an email this morning from the company doing my background check. They need a copy of my GED. Well I dont have a copy of my GED so they give me the phone number of some state office to get a copy of the transcript. I called that office all day and got no answer. I was looking through some old folders hoping to find that stupid piece of paper and came across my HS diploma. I called these background checking people and told them that I would fax them that instead. Well... that isnt good enough. I have a strange history with GED and diplomas. When I was 17 and a half I got married. I couldnt stand my mothers husband. He was bigoted and abusive. This is the guy who bought my underwear for Christmas one year but wouldnt let me keep it unless I put it on in front of him. Yeah... keep your shit mister. You're a creep! He never did anything but boy did he try. I so desperately needed to get away from him that I conned my father into signing the consent form (he was in the hospital and highly medicated) and I got married. Well, the school board here in my town (and maybe others, I dont know) said that I couldnt be married and still be a high school student so they made me quit. It was either quit or be expelled. I thought quitting would look better on my resume than getting thrown out... 17 year old logic. What can I say. That was October 1982. In August of 83 I took my GED and passed it. In 1984 I decided to join the US Air Force. Well back then (again, I dont know about now) a GED was good enough for a man to enlist but a woman needed a diploma. The Air Force sent me to an adult learning program at a local high school and I got my HS diploma. So I have both.

SO, back on track. I called these background checkers and told them that I would fax them my HS diploma. The told me that a check of my background shows that I have a GED therefore I need to show it to them. As far as I am concerned, the HS diploma trumps the GED so they should be happy with that. I had to get a supervisor on the phone and argue with him for 20 mintues before they finally decided to accept what I had. The guy on the other end of the phone told me they are going to use the GED as proof of identy, not proof of a diploma. They already have copies of my drivers license with my picture on it, they have my social security number, they have proof of address. How much more proof of identy do they need? Besides, If I had to wait for a state office to call me back I'd never start this job.

So anyway... thats done. Drug test is done. More and more I'm finding myself hoping this job goes past 6 months to permanent. I think if I have to go through this nonsense for another job I will lose my mind
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drug tests and transmissions… ouch

#1 son is sooo sick :( He woke up yesterday with a sore throat. We went and got him some cloraseptic throat spray (yes... I know I spelled that wrong :p) but it didnt help. By the end of the night he couldnt swallow at all. I have never seen him in so much pain. My son HATES doctors. He thinks they're all in it for the money and dont give a shit if they make you better or not. In fact, he thinks they like to keep you sick so they can make MORE money. Today he begged me to make him a doctors appointment. He doesnt have any insurance so I called my doctor hoping they'd give him some kind of break on the office visit and he did. All the way over there he is writing me notes saying how he hates my doctor and how he cant believe that I called the doctor who broke me hoping to fix him. It's an argument we've had for years... I just go with it. His tonsils are so swollen and infected that his throat is almost completely closed up. If he's not better by Friday I have to bring him back. He gave him antibiotics and pain pills. Well! My son exploded! How does he think I'm supposed to swallow these things! I cant even drink water and he wants me to swallow these huge pills! SEE!! I told you it was a waste of time! Why do I have to go back? If he did his job in the first place there'd be no need to go back! SEE!! He just wants to make more money! Good Grief that boy makes me crazy.

OK so I'm on my way for my drug test. The car was hesitating a little bit on the way there but I thought it was just bad gas. I I made it to the testing place and started to make a K turn to park on the other side of the street. I put the car in reverse. No go. I put the car back in drive. No go. It went just like that. Fine one second. Broke the next. My car is a 2005 so it's still under waranty. I called Toyota's roadside assistance. Wow was I impressed! They had a tow truck there in 15 minutes. I had called my son before I called Toyota and as sick as he was, he came out to help me. My son drove me to the dealership where the tow truck dropped my car. They think it's the selenoid. I dont know what that means but they said it'd take a few days to fix and gave me what I thought was a loaner car. By this time, all I could think about was getting my sick son home so I signed where they told me to sign and we left. I get home and look at the loaner paperwork. It's not a loan. It's a rental. I get 100 miles free then 25 cents each additional mile AND 34.95 per day rental fee. I'm supposed to afford this how?

Hopefully it wont take too long to fix.

so

Mini-reunion went ok. My son showed up so that was fun. He's almost 22 and we hadnt been out for a drink before. It's not something that I plan to make a habit of, but it was still fun.

I'm supposed to start my new job next Monday. That gives me a week to lay around and be lazy. You want to know what's really sick and twisted? I've spent all of these months praying for a job and now that I have one I dont want it. I got used to sleeping until 10 and now I have to be a grown up again and give that up. Isnt that crazy? lol

They ran a credit check even tho I was told they wouldnt. My credit sucks but nobody said anything about it yet. Still waiting on the results of the background check. I got my new hire paperwork today. I'm scheduled for a drug test on Wednesday. I have intentionally NOT taken any pain medicine just to be sure I'll pass. I know that I have prescriptions for these pills and legally they cant say anything about it but still, it's a road I'd rather not drive on. There are so many ways to skirt around the legalitys it's scarey. This is a pharmacutical company... they have super strict rules and I dont want to push it. So I sit and suffer.

I had zero appetite today. I know you have to eat to lose weight but no matter how hard I tried I just cant seem to want to pick up a fork. Unless it's a forkful of cheesecake.. thats a horse of a completely different color :)

I'm a whale :)

I'm headed out for the night with friends. Some kind of hokey "mini-class reunion". I dont really want to go but I dont really want to sit here alone all night either. Anyway, I have some time before I have to leave and decided to check my email. I found this little beauty in there



Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they do not have kids either. Besides, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S.. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good gosh, look how smart I am.


Have a nice night chickies :)

slow down!

I just faxed back my authorization forms for credit and background checks. Now I'm sitting here thinking that maybe it's not a good idea to be so exictied about this job just yet. I will fail the credit check. My credit sucks! I took a 20 point hit just from losing my job. It wasnt great before I lost my job but it took a hard nosedive after. Then there's the criminal background check. Yes chickies.... I have a criminal record. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee and I'll tell you a story.

I dont even remember what year it happened. I was still married at the time and I'm divorced for 15 years already so maybe 1991? 92? I dont even remember if my son was even born yet so it might have been earlier than that. Anyway! There was one time that he'd been gone for about a week, we had no idea where he was or if he was dead or alive. I was driving down to his mothers house one day and I saw the car (MY car) parked on the street. I decided to leave a note on the windshield saying something like "stay gone" or something like that. I dont even remember what my note was going to say anymore. So I pull up behind the car, get out and walk to the front to leave my note. As I bent over the front of the car I saw it. There, hanging from the rear view mirror of the car that my mother gave ME, were a pair of extra large, purple silk panties. I lost my mind! It was my car so of course I had a key. I opened the door and snatched those panties down from the mirror so hard that I tore the mirror from the windshield. I calmly closed the door, hung those panties on the side mirror and lit them on fire!

Apparently he and his girlfriend were watching me from the window and of course they called the cops. I was arrested and charged with arson. Later, at the police station, the charge was reduced to disorderly persons and I was released on my own recognisence. At court I told the judge my story. When I had finished my retelling of the whole ordeal I said (and I remember this part like it happened an hour ago)... "I dont understand. I can stand in the middle of the street in front of this building and burn the US flag and you cant touch me. But I burn some pigs purple panties and you lock me up for it?". The judge laughed, then agreed and found me guilty of disorderly conduct. No fine. No probation. 35.00 court costs. Have a nice day.

So yeah. I have a criminal history lol And now it might come back to bite me in the ass.

stuff

I got in trouble the other day. BIIIIGGGG TROUBLE :) I had taken a pot roast out of the freezer and it was either cook it or throw it away. We all know that I dont have my car so I have to rely on others for transportation. I called my mother, she was working. I called my son, he was at the gym then had to go to work. I called my neighbor, the baby was sleeping and he couldnt take me. Normally I could've waited but it was 90 degrees and I needed to cook the roast in the crock pot (no way was I turning that oven on). Crock pot roasts take hours so I couldnt wait until everyone wasnt busy so I walked. According to mapquest, my local Pathmark is .68 miles away and I walked it!! OMG I WALKED IT!! Truth be told, I was dead by the time I got there. The pain was so bad that I was dragging my feet because I couldnt even pick my legs up but I made it!! My son called me when I was almost there to ask what I was doing. I told him that I was walking to the store. The next thing I knew he was behind me on line yelling at me like I was 12. "You could've killed yourself!". "Are you trying to put yourself in a wheelchair!!". He drove me home, helped me up the stairs and stormed out. Everybody has been yelling at me ever since. Yes, it was stupid for me to do it. Yes, sometimes my stubborn streak gets in the way of good sense and yes, it took 3 vicodin before I could walk from the couch to the bathroom afterwards. But they arent seeing the big picture here. I made it! 6 months ago I couldnt walk to the deli on the corner and 2 days ago I walked over half a mile! I'm sorry, they can be as mad as they need to. I'm proud of myself. Dont think I'll be trying that again anytime soon but I'm still happy.

What else? I went on another interview yesterday. While I was driving up there I got stuck in a storm like no other storm I'd ever seen. I was driving on a highway - speed limit normally 65mph. The rain was so heavy that nobody on that highway drove over 15mph. I couldnt even see the front of the car, nevermind what was in front of the car. The smart drivers pulled over to let the storm pass. I was already late and couldnt pull over. I made it up there 45 minutes late. I was so stressed over driving in that mess (I had never been more afraid to drive in my life). I got off the major highway and pulled onto a smaller state road that was flooded. The cops were directing people onto side streets to avoid getting stuck in the waters and I'd lost GPS signal. When I finally found the place I pulled into the first parking lot that I saw. This place was HUGE! There are 3 building complexes to this company, each complex has 4 or 5 buildings and each complex is about a mile and a half from the next one. First I was told that I was in the wrong building. I was directed to another building only to find out that I was in the wrong complex completely. I think going to the wrong complex hurt me even more than being late. The job is a +6 month contract to QA a new software build. The interview went great but the job requires following very detailed instructions but I couldnt follow directions to the right complex. I dont expect them to be calling any time soon.

I havent yet found a way to tell that other guy that I cant take his job. I know thats wrong! He knows that I dont have a car until late today so he isnt expecting me until tomorrow. I need to figure out a way to tell him that I cant work for him. It feels somehow wrong to me. I've prayed so hard for a job. Here I get one and I have to turn it down.

What else? OH!! I was whining about the scale saying 223 wasnt I? Apparently that was TOM weight. I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 217. Isnt that a nice number? :)

edit...

!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT THE JOB !!!!!!!!!!!

The recruiter just called me. They were very impressed with me yesterday and would like to offer me the position. It's a 6 month contract position with the possibility of permenant. Even if it's 6 months I'll take it!!! It's SO much more money than what I was making before. 6 months will give me the chance to catch up on all my bills and save a little money too. Then if the software they're designing takes off I could be hired perm!! OMG OMG OMG!! This nightmare is over!! Even if it turns out to be temporary, at least I can breathe for a little while

complicated

Hello Ladies!

I got a job. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that I cant take it. Here’s the story.

I saw an ad on Craigslist last Thursday advertising for a pc tech with starting pay between 20 and 30.00 an hour. I sent my resume off and hoped for the best. On Friday I got an email from them asking if I would be available for an interview either over the weekend or next week. Remember that accident my son got into? I had already made arrangements to drop my car off at the body shop first thing Monday morning. So since I knew that I wouldnt have a car all week, I told him that over the weekend was best. 4 days to replace a bumper?!? There should be a law! But anyway… back on track. He emailed me back on Saturday asking if I could meet with him on Sunday. As odd as a Sunday interview sounds, I accepted the meeting. He said that meeting with him on Sunday earned me bonus points.

The job is pretty straight forward. Fix whatever comes in. Go on job sites to install, train or support. Then he explained the pay schedule. There is no pay unless I go out on jobs. I get 35% of all jobs completed but there is no base pay. He told me 3 times during the hour and a half that I was there that business is slow right now (he blames the economy). Technically he is right about the 20-30 an hour but he neglected to mention in this ad that the 20-30 an hour is only for hours actually on a job site, not hours waiting for work to come in.

I just got an email from him. He wants me to start tomorrow. Fulltime from 8:30 to 5:30. So basically I’d be sitting there (without pay) until a job came in. If I take this job I will lose my unemployment. It could be days between jobs. He charges 75.00 per hour labor and I get 35% of that. What if there are no jobs coming in? Then I sit there for free and cant pay my bills at the end of the week. Since I’m sitting there across the desk from him I cant look for another job and like I said, I will lose my unemployment checks.

100% commission in this economy? We’ll be homeless by next

bugs and laundry

Thanks for you comments yesterday ladies. I have found so much inspiration in your words on your own blogs and all I do these days is whine. What must you all think of me!

I'm trying to stay positive but it's so damn hard! Every day rejection after rejection after rejection. Every day I get to see the look of disappointment in my boys faces when they want to do something or go somewhere but are afraid to ask because they know what the answer will be. I feel like I've ruined their lives.

I know the economy is in the tank and things are hard for everyone but people ARE getting jobs! 100's of them are posted online every day and I've been passed up for all of them. I'd planned on going back to school, I researched online universities to death and I'd finally settled on one but was turned down for financial aid. Rejected by employers. Rejected by colleges. Rejected by what I thought was a great guy. I'm even rejected by a piece of shit guy! I look in the mirror and see a big FAT ugly failure. My weight is back up to 223. I'm losing the same 5 pounds over and over. Apparently I cant even do that right. I just dont know how much more I can take.

Oh look! MORE whining. Just what you wanted to see huh? lol

OK so on to hopefully better stuff. We did laundry yesterday. I was in my room about to start putting my clothes away and a centipede the size of a schnauzer ran under my bed. I ran screaming out of them like a little girl! I've been afraid to go in there ever since. I even slept on the couch. What if that thing is in there waiting for me to come in? What if it's crawled up inside my box spring and is in my bed? Or crawls up on my sheets while I'm sleeping? OMG what if it's made a new home in my laundry bag with my clean clothes!??!! I'm So totally screwed.

not good enough…. again

Well. I didnt get that job either. She was supposed to call me on Friday. When she didnt I knew it wasnt a good sign but tried to stay positive. She just called a few minutes ago. They went with someone who had more recent restaurant point of sales experience. The longer I have no job the harder it will be to find a job. I lost this one to a guy with "more recent experience". That's the FIFTH second interview I have had. What the hell is wrong with me?!!??! Five second interviews and I still dont have a job? Why wont anybody hire me? There is always somebody just a little bit better than me who gets the job. Thats the story of my life. There is always someone better than me. Remember that guy that I thought I'd found? He vanished. I dont know why. We were getting along great. Hours on the phone every night, long talks over dinner... then he just disappeared. He went away last weekend for work, said he'd call on Monday when he got home. He didnt. I waited until Wednesday before I called him. He said he was sleeping, said he'd worked a double and was exhausted. He told me he had to work another double on Thursday but would call me on Friday. He didnt. No call Friday or Saturday or Sunday. I can take a hint. I wont be calling him again.

Why cant I ever be good enough? Good enough to get a new job. Good enough to keep my husband. Good enough for 14 years to commit to. My bodys broken but not broken enough to be on disability. I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. About the only "enough" that I can be is "big enough" or "fat enough". Oh I'm real good at being fat enough!

Anyway. I took my son down the shore again. We left Friday and got home late last night. My son had a great time even though we didnt make it back to the boardwalk. I didnt have ENOUGH money to take him. Add THAT to the list of "not good enough's". I was so proud of him. He asked once on Friday if we could go play more games, I apologized and told him why we couldnt. He never asked again. It must have been so hard for him to sit on the beach everyday with the boardwalk in sight. But he didnt ask. I know he wanted to but he didnt. My kids have been forced to grow up so fast it breaks my heart.

interview/beach

I had my interview yesterday. Sorry that I didnt post when I got home, we had some extra craziness here most of the day. I got there at 10. I met with the HR lady who asked me a bunch of questions. About an hour into our conversation she asked if I'd be available for a second interview. Of course I said yes and asked when she was thinking of scheduling it. She said "1:00?" So I went to lunch and then I went back. This time I met with the IT manager. He and I talked for about an hour. I felt it went REALLY well and apparently I was right. The HR lady called me a few minutes ago. She said that she wanted to tell me that I'd done "exceptionally well" and was "at the moment at the top of the list". They have a few more interviews today and tomorrow but she will definately be calling me Friday with an update.

I hope I hope I hope :)

The beach was amazing!! I'd forgotten how much I love the ocean. We had a great time. It was my son's first time on the boardwalk and he loved it. Whenever I take my kids to the beach we go to a quiet little town with no boardwalk to spend $10000 on. Where we go is just sand and water and they're happy with that. I thought his eyes were going to explode when he saw all the rides, food and games. I gave him 40 bucks and told him that was all the money we had to spend, so spend it wisely. He played air hockey, basketball and a racing car video game at the arcade. He put 2 bucks into one of those machines with the claw in it to try and win an ipod. He put his money in, he positioned the claw directly over one of the ipod boxes and hit drop (or whatever that stupid thing says). The claw fell onto the box and picked it up. He was all kinds of happy thinking he'd won then the box fell out of the claw. He was so funny! "OMG what a gip!". He won a Scene It: Pirates of the Caribbean game at one of the wheel stands (his first try too) but his favorite part of the night was getting to shoot some poor guy at a paint ball stand. He was really upset that it cost 10.00 for 100 paint balls and it was over in about 40 seconds but he loved that he hit the guy so many times. I was proud of him for not spending all of his money. He learned quick after the ipod incident... most of those games are designed for people to lose.



We got home around midnight. We had such a nice time. We drove home without the radio on and talked until our cheeks hurt... THAT was my favorite part of the day. My friend has the house until Saturday so we might go back down Thursday and come home on Friday. Have to see if I can afford it or not.

beach tomorrow!

My friend rented a beach house for 2 weeks and every day she asks me to come down there. But every day my son has had my car for work so I cant but he's off tomorrow. Now I SHOULD be responsible and take it to get an estimate on that body work but I'm not. I'll do that on Wednesday (his last day of work). Tomorrow I'm goin to da beech!! lol

oh.... and I'm NOT wearing a bathing suit :)

trying again

This morning I saw a posting on monster.com. I replied to it and sent my resume. After monster I always check Craigslist. I saw that same posting and replied to it again. Then I saw a fax number on that craigslist posting. I faxed my resume too! lol The woman called me a little while ago. I have an interview with her on Tuesday. I want this job. I can do this job. It’s exactly what I did at my old job except its a restaurant chain and not fitness store chain. If I dont get this job I’m jumping off the roof.

I couldnt sleep last night. At 2am I got up out of bed, took out the biggest bowl in the cabinet and filled it to the top with Capn Crunch with Crunchberrys. I know that eating at that time is a HUGE no-no but I couldnt help myself. To make up for it I had a slimfast shake for breakfast and a Lean Cuisine chicken dish for lunch. Capn Crunch isnt THAT bad calorie wise. 3/4 of a cup = 1 serving and 1 serving with 1/2 cup of skim milk is 140 calories. I’m going to estimate that my bowl was about 2 cups. And you know what? Those Lean Cuisine people should be ashamed of themselves! I had one of the baked chicken meal thingys. The tray was small enough to fit on a dessert plate and 2 of the smallest pieces of chicken that I have ever seen! That’s not food!!

My son has had my car again all week. I feel like a prisoner in my apartment. I cant go anywhere on my own. Right now I’m waiting for my mother to finish work so that she can drive me to Costcos. I still havent even gotten an estimate for how much the repair from his accident is going to cost me. I called it into the insurance company the next day but havent done anything else. He has the car from 11 in the morning until 11 at night. There’s been no time to have it checked out. I have to get it checked out soon, I dont know how long I have from the time I file the report until it’s fixed.

wrong

Somehow I misjudged how well my interview went the other day. I felt it went really well. The woman that I interviewed with even asked my availability for Thursday and told me that she’d be calling me with a time to meet with the director. Somehow I misunderstood or something because she never called.

I blew off that other interview. I got all dressed, got my paperwork & resumes together, grabbed my keys and thought “whats the point?” and sat back down. What was the point of driving all that way for nothing. I wasnt going to get that job either.

I’m having a lot of “whats the point” moments lately and I dont know what to do about them.

technology hiatus

I took a hiatus from all technology. Everytime I turned on the computer or the tv I felt sick and turned it off. I'm truely sorry if any of you were his fans but the whole media circus around this pervert turns my stomach. In my opinion the second he was accused to indecent acts against children everything that he did in his career became null & void.

When his sister accused him of molesting her I said "oh she's just jealous" and a few weeks later she recanted. Then comes the maid and her son and I thought "they just want money" but then comes this other kid and then comes this little cancer patient. One accusation you can ignore. But FOUR?!!? How many DONT we know about? I believe that Latoya recanted because she caved into the family pressure. He paid the maid $2 million to shut up. He paid that first little boy (Jordy Chandler) and his family in the neighborhood of $22 million dollars to shut up right before the police were about to file formal charges. If I were accused of a crime and I knew that I was innocent I'd pay my attorneys 22 million dollars to get me publically acquitted, not pay my accusors to disappear. And this 3rd little boy. How in the world would he have known about a birthmark on MJ's genitals?? I watched news coverage of that trial and what I saw would have made OJ's lawyers proud.

This is a man who admitted to giving young children alcohol. Who admitted to sleeping with children on national tv. What do you have to hide if you have 4 locks on your bedroom door? You can see it in the "ghost video" that my son made me watch. 4 locks, right there plain as day. The camera even focus's on them. I dont have 4 locks on my bedroom door. Do you?

The news coverage and public worship of this man is disgusting. They're calling him a musical genius yet he hasnt done anything worth bragging about in 15 years. Well... other than being arrested for child sex abuse and paying off other accusors.

You know what else made me nuts? Everyone saying "he was taken from us so early" He wasnt taken! He killed himself! Whether intentionally or not, the man spent the last 20 years addicted to pain killers. He admitted to friends and family that he had an addiction but instead of getting help he choose to continue self-medicating. You gotta know that kind of abuse eventually catches up to you. HE even knew!! Lisa Marie has gone on record as saying that he told her he would "end up like Elvis". If you were afraid you'd end up dead like Elvis wouldnt you stop doing the things that Elvis did? But yeah, everyone is shocked and amazed that he's dead.

Our economy is still in the tank, soldiers are dieing, trains are crashing, people are revolting and this guy tops the headlines every day for over a week?!? Hopefully since his funeral was today the news can go back to what's really important. Speaking of that funeral... overkill anyone? I didnt watch it but did it have to be on EVERY CHANNEL? Even ESPN covered it!

Anyway... rant over :) I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Whats been going on since I boycotted the media? I didnt get that job. The guy was a jerk so I'm kind of relieved. Since I havent been on the internet I havent checked Monster for new postings but I have been getting emails from recruiters on my blackberry. I had a telephone interview on Thursday that resulted in an in-person interview today which turned into a "meet the director" interview on this Thursday. I'm pretty confident that I got this job but I'm not sure that I can afford to take it. On the one hand it's a home office setup so I dont have to worry about commuting or traffic or "bad back days" (of which there are many). On the other hand, it's 8k less than what I made at my last job. That's a HUGE paycut. But on another hand lots of people are being asked to take paycuts or work less hours these days but yet another hand smacks me in the head and reminds me that we were barely surviving on what I made before. How many hands is that anyway?

I have another interview tomorrow for another company. This one is about 45 minutes away (over an hour in traffic - not sure I can sit that long) and 15k MORE than what I made at my last job.

I think I might have met someone but I'm not going to jinx it by saying anything outloud yet.

Son #2 passed his road test and got his license on Monday. He got a job on Tuesday and wrecked my car on Wednesday :) But you know what? I've FINALLY gotten below the 220 line!!! I weigh 219 but it's under 220 so it counts :D

nervous

I have a job interview today at 1:30. A recruiter called me the other day, she'd found my resume online and wanted to talk. Apparently this is a standard 250 user Windows environment. They have one IT guy who is having a problem keeping up with his job. The recruiter seems to think this guy just has a problem with time management. I have to agree. I single handedly supported 400 users. I was the only person in our IT department. I did it all. Server maintenence, backups, upgrades. User support. I managed all of the companies telecommunications devices from Blackberrys to cordless wall phones. I handled the alarm companys, phone companys, Software/Hardware vendors, internet connections/firewall/routers in 2 corporate offices and over 100 stores. I was the level 1, 2 and 3 IT girl. If it broke, I had to fix it - no matter what it was- because I was the only one there. Anyway, this is the same sort of job except there'd be two of us.

What scares me the most about this interview is that it's in New York. NYC is an easy commute for normal people but I'm not normal. To get to this job I'd have to walk 5 blocks to the bus. Take that bus to another bus and that bus into Port Authority. From Port Authority I have to walk a block to the E train then walk 2 more blocks once I get off. Thats a LOT of walking for someone like me. I'm thinking I can ask my mother or son to drive me to bus #2 so that I dont have to walk that 5 blocks OR I could drive to it and park my car on a side street somewhere close to the bus stop.

I know that I can handle this job. I'm just not sure I can handle the commute.

Wish me luck! I have to get ready.



edit.... ohhh. I just read an article on what larger women should wear for job interviews. http://www.ehow.com/how_4515800_dress-job-interview-plussized-woman.html

says here:

Select the right pair of shoes. Never wear an open toed-shoe to a job interview. Even designer sandals are off limits and will look frivolous. The shoes should be high quality leather and should have some heel but not too much. One or two inch heels are fine and will help you feel more grounded when you strut across the room. Flats are not appropriate for an interview.

I cant wear heels... like ever. I have a doctors note! (lol I really do!) I bought a pair of Sketcher platform clogs a few months ago. They were so pretty I had to have them. I was able to wear them for 5 minutes before the pain in my back was so bad that I was crying. Should I mention my shoes? I mean, if you're not supposed to wear them somebody will probably notice that I am wearing them right? Maybe that's why I havent gotten any of these other jobs. My shoes are all wrong. I wish a was a man. They're allowed to wear flats and their wardrobe choices are so much simpler :(

OK, I'm rambling. Cant put this off any longer. It's time to go.

blah

Same shit, different day. No resume responses, no phone calls. I’m starting to worry. I have 4 months of unemployment left and I’m not even getting called back. Whats going to happen to us if I dont find a job? I am the only paycheck coming in the house. Even if I filed for bankruptcy to get rid of the credit cards and car payment I’d still have to pay 1200.00 for rent and other bills and food and I wouldnt even have a car to get around in. My middle boy gets his license next week. I’m terrified to see what thats going to turn my car insurance bill into, it’s already almost 200 a month with just me on the policy. I cant just take any job, I have to earn at least 45k to pay these bills by myself and that’s bare minimum.

My oldest helps as much as he can but he cant find a job either. He’s been delivering pizza since he got laid off (he worked at the same place that I did in one of the stores). He’s barely making enough to cover his car payment and insurance. His dreams of law enforcement have been squashed, he doesnt even know what else he wants to do. I keep hoping he’ll go to college but he doesnt know what he’d study. I swear, I wish there wasnt a war on. I’d suggest he go into the military. It’s a great place to jump start your life and career, but I’m not suggesting that to him now. Call me selfish but people are dieing over there. Dont get me wrong, if he came to me tonight and said thats what he really wanted to do I wouldnt talk him out of it but I’m not going to be the one to bring it up.

So yeah. I’m worrying.

rain, rain go away

We have had almost 2 full weeks of rain and because of it I have been an absolute bitch. We all know that I have major back problems. We also know that I have osteoarthritis in my back. All the rain we have had I think the hardware in my back is rusting, sometimes I think I can actually hear it squeak when I move. The pain has been outrageous. Most days I havent even been able to get out of bed. Needless to say my diet has tanked :( When I last posted I weighed 223. Today I stepped on the scale and it said 228. I'm back on daily pain medicine which has made me swell up like a hot air balloon. I can barely sit up so we know I cant exercise. I also cant cook. We're been existing on pizza and microwaveable frozen trash with sodium counts so high it makes my head spin.

My mother has been here almost every day to help out. I love her to death but she makes me crazy. My mom treats every illness or pain with cake or muffins or big macs & french fries. I dont buy the stuff but she does. Since she's been here there is always some kind of junk in the house and my willpower is medicated and non-existant. Not good!

About the only thing I have managed to do over these past 2 weeks is search jobs on the laptop. I send out on average 2 resumes a day. Havent gotten a single call back.

14 years finally showed up with some child support the other night. He got here at 11:00 at night & wanted to see his son. I told him he has school the next day but gave him 5 minutes. After all, he hadnt seen the kid in over 2 weeks (what a great father) Our son went to bed and he sat on the edge of my bed watching the tv show that I had on. I had been watching that show on Discovery "How the Earth was made". He watched a few minutes of it, got up and told me I was stupid for watching stuff like that. "Isnt there a movie or something on?". So he leaves. Not 5 minutes later he's on the phone screaming at me because "my boyfriend was downstairs waiting for him to leave". I've mentioned that I live in a 6 family house havent I? There are 5 other families here in this building with me. 4 of them are wonderful and we have a real family atmosphere, until the people moved into apt 2 we didnt even lock our doors. The guy in apartment 1 is in his mid-30's. He's a single father with custody of all 4 of his kids. He spends a lot of time on the porch smoking. Apparently he was out there when the piece of shit left. Being the class A asshole that he is, he assumed this guy was out there waiting for him to leave so he could come up here. He and I have been broken up for 7 months yet he still feels he needs to yell at me for stuff like that. He bitches if I dont call him every day. When he calls me and I'm out he demands to know where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing. When I dont answer he leaves the nastiest voicemail messages. One night I was out with a friend and he called. I knew what I'd be in for if I answered so I didnt, I sent the call to voicemail. Later that night I played the message. He cursed me out in 2 languages. "What kind of mother goes out, leaves her kids alone and doesnt answer the *#&$#*& phone" "First of all, my children arent babies, 2 are teenagers and one is a full grown adult. Second of all, I answered the phone for my kids. I just didnt answer for YOU!" That's the kind of stuff he's been putting me through and yesterday my last straw broke. I set new boundaries.

I have tried to keep a civil relationship with this caveman for the sake of our son. But I've let him yell, scream, accuse and beat me down for the last time. Yesterday I told him that he is no longer allowed to curse at me. He is no longer allowed to accuse me of anything. What I do or dont do is no longer any of his business. I will not be calling him every day unless there is a problem with Jr. Our son has a cell phone, if he wants to speak to him he needs to call that number and not my home number any more. I expect him to be here on Mondays with his child support (the FULL amount.. not bits and pieces like he has been giving me). For 6 months I have tried to be civil. I dont know what made me think Neanderthals were capable of civility. Sometimes I wish they'd revoke his Visa and deport him back to his mother country. He hates this country anyway. For 14 years all I heard was how how messed up America was and how wonderful Italy is. GO BACK THERE!!! Please let him go back there before I kill him! I wonder if chronic pain can be used as a legal defense

So that's where I've been for these past few weeks. In bed, in pain... fighting off my mothers greasy, fried food intentions, dealing with an ex and getting rejected on a daily basis by job postings. I've not been a happy person.

Thank you ladies who have sent me messages. I'm sorry that I disappeared without a word. You're all amazing women and I'm so blessed to have met you in the weird way we've all become friends :) I've thought about you often. I've wondered how your lives are, how your kids are, if your homes or books sold. I just didnt have the physical strength to sit up long enough to say hi.

Oh hey! Guess what? It's going to rain all week again!! /cry

ouch!

Everything hurts and I mean everything. We went to Costcos, then to Foreman Mills then Target. And about an hour after I got home I went for a walk with my neighbor around the block. Well.... almost all around. I had to call for a ride home halfway, I couldnt take another step. I hurt so much my heart rate went from 87 resting to 118 just walking my neighbors son across the hallway to his apartment. My son and I are now on the couch watching Al Pacino movies. I LOVE HIM!! First we watched the end of Scarface, now we're watching Righteous Kill.

Today is the kind of day that I wish that I had a pedometer. I dont know how much I walked but I burned more calories today than I ever have with normal exercise.

total calories today: 1099

total calories burned: 3342

total carbs: 111

total fat: 35

total protein: 46

a little Friday funny

(Something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who said, "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . How are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further" she said. "I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," said the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel -- the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"

what a way to go

I just read that David Carradine died. I loved him in the Kill Bill movies :( The article is here and it says the cause of his death was either an accident, suicide or a sex game gone bad. He was found naked in a closet in a Bangkok hotel on Thursday with cords around his neck and his genitals. Somehow I doubt it was suicide, I'm thinking there are much easier and much less embarrassing ways to do yourself in. Wow. My heart goes out to his family.

8:30pm... Dinner was outrageous! I made a recipe for chicken that I got from a sparkpeople email. OMG it was so good!!

Sticky Chicken

Ingredients:

· 1 teaspoon salt

· 1 teaspoon white pepper

· 2 teaspoons paprika

· 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

· 1 teaspoon onion powder

· 1 teaspoon thyme

· 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

· 1/2 teaspoon black pepper

· 1 large roasting chicken (3-4 lbs.)

· 1 cup chopped onion

1. In a small bowl, thoroughly combine all the spices. Remove giblets from chicken, clean the cavity well and pat dry with paper towels. Rub the spice mixture into the chicken, both inside and out, making sure it is evenly distributed and down deep into the skin. Place in a resealable plastic bag, seal and refrigerate overnight.

2. When ready to roast chicken, stuff cavity with onions, and place in a shallow baking pan. Roast, uncovered, at 250 F for 5 hours. After the first hour, baste the chicken occasionally (every half hour or so) with pan juices. The pan juice will start to caramelize on the bottom of the pan and the chicken will turn golden brown. If the chicken contains a pop-up thermometer, ignore it. Let chicken rest about 10 minutes before carving.

Makes 4 servings.

I couldnt work out today. It was another of those cold, rainy days that I cant move on. But I did manage to go shopping. My mother called, she and my brother were going to Kohls (he needs shorts for their vacation) so I went along for the ride. My brother headed for the mens department and I made a bee-line for my favorite section.... THE CLEARANCE ISLE. I bought 4 pair of jeans, 2 white tops and a pair of sandals for 62.00 (I sold one of my spare computers so I had some extra money). I havent worn jeans in years and have been desperate to get a few pair. And the best part? I'm 2 sizes smaller than I used to be :)

Of course that little shopping trip ruined my day. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, staring at the dog hair on the carpet and the dust on the tv. I couldnt do anything about it. It's taken me years to learn this next little lesson... the mess will be there tomorrow and, hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel well enough to do it

total calories today: 1448

total calories burned: 1812

total carbs: 201

total fat: 35

total protein: 82

(sorry Sunny, the only way to fix this was to delete and start over so I lost your comment... stupid web designers and their bad table formatting!)

oh and Bee? Nope, havent heard from the job from the other day. I kind of didnt expect to from the way they handled themselves. Shame on them.

ohhh!! check out this handy little tip (I love stuff like this)

http://www.familyhack.com/2007/08/29/drain-tip/

no more Howard Stern hair

Last night I dyed my hair. Now realize something, I've been dying my hair for so long that I dont even remember what my natural color is :) I've been doing brown for months. Yesterday I got tired of it so I bought a box of super light blonde. You know how the boxes all say "if your hair color is this... you will get this". I'm here to tell you that THEY LIE! The box said that if your hair is medium brown you will end up with a medium blonde (the box said ultra light blonde). Well!! lol My hair was 4 different colors. The roots were so blonde they were white. The ends were this brownish, yellowy color. There was a little bit of medium blonde but mostly it was red.

So I'm talking to my friend this morning and I tell her what I did to myself last night. She says to come to her salon and she'd fix it for me. 3 hours later I looked like this

(sorry for the bad picture... I HATE pictures) I normally have very curly, frizzy, Howard Stern looking hair. She cut it, dyed it, put highlights then blow dried it straight. I look almost good! lol I just hope that I can fix it the way that she did tomorrow. You know what else I noticed? My face is much thinner than it was almost a year ago on my drivers license picture. Thats right ladies.... I stepped on the scale today and it said 224!!!! I cannot believe how long it's taken me to lose those few pounds. I know, I know... slow and steady wins the race but sometimes I wish this race had a quicker pace.

total calories today: 1233

total calories burned: 2483

total carbs: 100

total fat: 72 (+)

total protein: 47 (-)

interview

I went for that interview today. I'm not sure how it went since I never saw the guy that I was supposed to meet with. I got there at exactly 2:00. I was wandering around the hallways trying to find the right office door to open and this girl walked past. She asked what I was looking for so I told her. She walked me to the door then asked who I was there to see. When I told her that I was there to see Steve she said that he's her boss and she took me to another door. A few minutes later someone named Fred came out. Steve's busy but asked him to speak to me. He took me into the server room for my interview (he said it was the only empty room they had at the moment). OK, fine. I dont know how many of you have ever been in a computer server room but it's cold and loud, it made the whole thing very uncomfortable. So I talk to Fred for a while. He tells me what the company does, asks if I've had experience tracking down hacking attempts & dos attacks... yes I have. Then he goes to get Steve. In walks the girl who showed me to the door. She says that Steve is still busy so she was sent in to talk to me. She begins to tell me about the work environment, how people are promoted from *the desk*, how the last 2 people who had the job didnt work out. She asks me a couple of "what would you do it" questions and leaves to get Steve. Here comes yet another guy who isnt Steve. He's asking me all these questions about MS Exchange. I answer his questions but am very confused. The girl told me that Exchange was a very minor part of the job yet this guys questions are all about it. Not that I cared, I can administer Exchange in my sleep. But it was still odd. He goes off to get Steve. He comes back and says that Steve is in a vendor meeting and will have to reschedule. I dont know, maybe I'm too sensitive but I found that to be incredibly rude.

Anyway, I didnt track my food today. I was too stressed to eat. My new blackberry sort of blew up, I had to fix that. Then I had the interview. I got home from the interview at 4 then remembered that the rabbit needed food. So I had to go back out and get that. When we got home I was in so much pain that I went straight to the couch. Son #2 bbq'd chicken. I had one piece of chicken and went to bed with my laptop. All that I had to eat all day was a piece of chicken and a hand full of Mike & Ike candys (stolen from son #3 :D)

I completed my first day of the 30 Day Challenge on my EA Active. I'm using it with my Wii Fit but you dont have to. It made me run 3 times, box 3 times, inline skate, arm curls and rows and side lunges. I was sweating like it was 100 degrees lol Now, 8 hours later I can barely move. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I HATE that I have to be careful. Sometimes I just want to do it all like normal people do. Then I remember that I'm damaged and will probably never be normal again. But that's ok. I get the good parking spots at the mall :D The little bit that I am able to do is enough for now.

I went shopping today. Son #3 needed a new headset for his computer so I took him to Target to get one. They had bathing suits on sale. 40% off! My suits from last year are a 20. I've already lost 17 pounds so I got a 16. I figure they're stretchy so it should fit. It's the skirt kind, pretty blue with gold highlights. I also got a blue coverup. Boy do I need a coverup! lol I was teasing my son by telling him I was going to get a string bikini. Even when I was a size 7 I never had the courage to wear a bikini. Sometimes I wish that I had that kind of confidence but I never have. I dont expect that will change even after I've reached my goal. I saw on Sunnys blog that she's buying herself a really pretty bracelet as a reward for losing 20 pounds. If she doesnt mind I think I'm going to borrow that idea.

I have a job interview on Tuesday. The recruiter called me today and we set it up. The job is a little farther away than I'd like but the pay is right. And I think I like the hours (as weird as they are). 7am to 7pm on Sunday. 7am - 2pm Monday & Tuesday and 2pm to 1am on Wednesday. I'd have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. I like the idea of 3 days off and I dont think the distance thing will be an issue. Normally I wouldnt have considered a job 40 mintues away from home because that 40 minutes becomes almost an hour and a half when you factor in traffic. I cant sit for more than half an hour at a time, my back starts to cramp up and the pain is outrageous! But with having to be there at 7, there wont be any traffic. I'm not getting my hopes up. We'll see what happens.

I'm still not getting emails from this site. I dont know what the problem is but I dont. I used to, but I dont anymore. I think I'll email a moderator. Could be something needs resetting.

And I just ask one more thing? Whats with the 8:00 eating?!?!? I havent had an appetite all day long. What little I did eat I forced myself to eat. But come 8:00 and I cant stop thinking about food. What the hell is that about!?!!? lol

Nite Chickies :)

total calories today: 837

total calories burned: 2852

total carbs: 104

total fat: 32

total protein: 33

better

Slightly better day, at least things are clearer now. Not resolved, but definately clearer.

Before I get to my notsoexciting day I need to thank a bunch of amazing ladies for their thoughts, prayers and time. I didnt expect it. It was a wonderful surprise. I thought that I was alone and found out that I wasnt, not by a long shot. I pray that someday I can repay the favor :)

Today by comparison was boring. I slept until 10, stayed in bed until 11 and cleaned my livingroom. That was about all that I could manage both physically and mentally.

I did manage to find this little beauty tho....



Words to live by my friends.. Words to live by :)

total calories today: 1113

total calories burned: 2305

total carbs: 120

total fat: 53

total protein: 39

alone

sometimes, I wish a couple of you chicks lived closer. I wish we really knew each other live and in person. I feel so completely alone and desperate and I there’s not a living soul that I can talk to about it. Something really bad just happened with my son and I have nobody to talk to about it. I cant talk to my mother, she’d lose her mind. I dont have a husband or boyfriend who will listen. I cant tell my friends, they’re all full of “you’ve done such a good job raising them yourself”. How can I possibly tell them that I’ve failed? And here’s me always bragging about how great my kids are. Helpful, mature and responsible. God am I full of shit! What’s that they say about pride and failing?

I want to eat it all away. I want to dive into a vat of chocolate marshmellow ice cream or inhale a cherry cheesecake or a bag of potato chips and I dont think I have the willpower to resist. I wish some of you were here because you’d understand that urge and maybe, just maybe you’d give me the strength to fight it.

gray days

I have a friend who had bone cancer... 44 years old and she's already suffered more than any one person should have to. She had some surgery, couple of bones replaced and she's in remission now thank God. Last night we were talking, she's losing a lot of weight again and is too afraid to call the doctor. I tried my best to convince her to go, that her husband and kids need her. She looked at me and said "I'm just tired of fighting", she wants to give in. She's my friend and I'm not about to let her do that but my head went somewhere 30 shades of wrong on the drive home. I found myself almost jealous. Here she is losing all this weight without even trying, and he's me suffering a life without cheesecake. I found myself wishing I could get cancer. I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I'm a seriously depraved, horrible person and I'm going straight to hell. It's not just the weight thing. I know how she's feeling, obviously not the cancer part but I know about being tired enough to just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.

whatever. I'm a mess. A mess that's going straight to hell lol

I couldnt work out today. It's cold and damp and I've been stuck in this chair since I woke up. My son bought me a shiatsu pillow on Sunday. OMG this thing is wonderful! It's been on all day. It has a 20 minute autoshut off so every 20 minutes I move it up or down my back. LOVE IT!! I think he got it for me to heal my broken heart. He and the girlfriend that I loved broke up. I wrote about her here. Today he kept trying to get me to smoke pot. Strange thing for a son to ask his mother to do dont ya think? lol He's serious. He came at me with 60 pages of material he printed off the internet about how marijuana helps people with chronic pain.

I think that's exactly what I need. I need to smoke a joint so I can run screaming into a bag of doritos lol



I'll be back after dinner :)

10:30pm..... My Blackberry came today! Considering I only bought it Tuesday and it came with free shipping, I wasnt expecting it until sometime next week. I put all my pictures and music on it, spent all night setting up ringtones, caller id pictures & programs. I'm happy. :)

What else? Oh! I was actually able to do a little exercise today afterall. Nothing like yesterday where I got in 20 minutes at once. No, today was more 4 minutes here.... 5 minutes there. I dont know how many minutes it all totalled out to be but I burned almost as many calories today as I did yesterday which is good. I know that it's not really the same but it's all I got. My son tells me all the time that unless my heart rate is high I'm not really doing much good. But my thing is even doing the smallest things raises my heart rate (pain response). I dont know, maybe I'm just lieing to myself. Either way I'm going to spend every day doing what I can, when I can for however long I can. Eventually it will get better.



total calories today: 1492

total calories burned: 2473

total carbs: 205

total fat: 48

total protein: 62

I've been wearing my epulse for a couple of days now and I have to say I'm loving most of it. It tracks my heart rate, displays my minimum/maximum heart rates for the day, tells me what my calorie burning zone is and how many calories I've burned in a day. It does everything that I want it to do. The one thing that it doesnt do that I wish it did was beep when my heart rate reaches that max burn number, I think that'd be a cool feature. But oh well, I can manually check. I get 3 and a half days on a regular battery, that should double with the more expensive lithium batterys. Something strange tho. I bought rechargables for it but I only get a couple of hours of use with those. This seems to run better on regular batterys. It's a good thing that they're so cheap now. I buy the Panasonic batterys at the grocery store, costs me $1.68 for a 4 pack. I used to spend more than that a day on Twinkies :) Sucks that it gets shitty life on the rechargables tho, but at least batterys are recyclable so I dont feel too bad.

I was able to do 20 minutes of cardio today with My Fitness Coach! YAY!! Usually I can only get about 13-15 minutes in before the my back starts screaming at me. Yesterday my son bought me my EA Active for my Wii (he's too good to me). I cant wait to start using it. I want to try the 30 day challenge and I'm thinking about incorporating weights. I've been reading that weight training helps burn more fat than almost any other exercise. Since the amount of time I can actually do it is limited, I'd like to get the most out of what little I can do.



Exercise is difficult for me for a couple of reasons. First of all, my physical limitations. If it's cold, damp or raining I cant even start. Somedays when I think about exercise I remember how hard it is for me and how much pain it causes and I think "what's the point" and I dont even start. Then there are other days (most days) where I cant stay focused enough. I get bored with it.

We're going out to a Karaoke bar tonight. I'm not singing but it should be fun. OH!! I won an auction for my Blackberry! :) I got a red Balckberry Curve. I was bidding on both the Curve and a Motorola Q9c. The Q is a Windows Mobile device. When it was first released a few years ago, the Q sucked! I've read that it's gotten better and I was really looking forward to the extended battery life. But the auction for the BB was over first. It should be here next week

total calories today: 1258

total calories burned: 2486

total carbs: 137

total fat: 59

total protein: 44