wow FIOS!

It took that poor guy almost 13 hours to install my FIOS. He said a normal install is around 6 hours, mine took longer because it’s a really old house with really old wires. I felt so bad for him. I kept apologizing for it taking so long. He said he didnt mind… “I can use the overtime”. Are you supposed to tip those guys? I dont know but I gave him a twenty. It’s all I had.

I didnt follow the plan today. It was so crazy with all the people in and out all day. The problem with doing WW Online is that you need to be online. I wasnt. They took down my existing cables early in the morning because they all had to be replaced. I didnt have internet or tv until after 11 and by then I was too tired to count. I dont know how many points I ate so I dont know how many are left for the week. I’m only awake long enough to check my email and stay accountable on here. I’ll deal with the rest tomorrow.

Guess I’m starting at day One again. I wonder if there’s an easier way to get back on the wagon after you fall off. Starting at day 1 is a little discouraging.

big day

big as in *lots of stuff today* not big as in *an important day*


I postponed my interview this morning. My right eye has been watery for 2 days now. I assumed it was allergies. I know it’s winter but Riley’s (the rabbit) hay makes me sneeze when I get close to the cage to feed him or fill the bin so I thought it was related. Today I wake up and my eye is on fire! It burns. It’s bright red, itches like crazy and there’s goop coming out of it. How gross is that!! So yeah… it’s not an allergy. Rather than risk spreading pinkeye around everywhere I went, I cancelled my interview and made a doctors appointment. It’s probably not a good idea to infect a potential new boss.




OK so this is a brand new doctor. When I got laid off I applied for NJ Family care. It's basically a HMO'd medicaid program. Neither my primary doctor or my surgeons or my pain management therapist accept it but it pays for my meds and the kids pediatrician takes it. Because of my back issues, I cant afford to be without some kind of insurance. One day without coverage and my back becomes a pre-existing condition and no insurance company will ever touch it. This Family Care business stops that - that's really all that's important. I decide that I really need a doctor quick so I call the doctor who's listed on the card as my new primary. I make the appt and get there just to be told "oh, we dont take that insurance anymore". NICE! Ya couldnt have told me BEFORE I drove here?!?! So tomorrow morning I'll go to my primary and write him a check that hopefully he wont deposit until Monday. Either that or I'll gouge my eyes out with a spork.

If I had a spork.

Oh yeah, I believe it has infected both eyes now

I did find a funny article about how to write an e-article (or blog post) with pinkeye. It's here if you want to read it. I love step 3...

"The moment you feel both eyes throb with itchy/stabby pain, rush right out to your local A&P for snacks and beverages--you'll need this fuel to power through your articles. You won't be able to drive for at least 4 days:

OK, some good (non-goopy) news. My Wii Fit came yesterday. I got it all connected and happy... step on it and it says I'm 2 pounds lighter than my warscale. I knew that digital monster hated me! Now I have PROOF! lol

The guy from the phone interview called too. I'm meeting with him tomorrow (Wednesday) at 2:30..... if I'm not blind by then. Dont worry, I'll wear gloves so I dont infect him.

Later on I went to the grocery store to see if they had something that'd make these eyes less painful. They had some homeopathic stuff for 10 bucks. I bought it. It doesnt help. But while I was there I found heaven. Throughout this whole miserable week (lol it's only Tuesday) I've wanted potato chips. My want was made worse by knowing that I can never, ever have potato chips again. Until today. Today I found Lays LIGHT. Half the calories of regular chips. 20 chips is 75 calories + zero grams of fat = 1 point per serving! That's even less than the baked chips! YAY!!



I get that I cant sit and eat the whole bag anymore but at least there's light in my tunnel. I've read the horror stories about Olestra and I think I even believe them. I'm looking at that one particular side effect as a positive. It will force me to not eat the whole bag in one sitting or even all in one day. So "never, ever" has morphed into a big "SOMETIMES". Tis a good day to be alive.

Then comes dinner. This was the icing on my entire day. My son brought me an everything bagel with low fat cream cheese for breakfast today. He knows those are my favorite bagels, he knows I'm having a shitty day and thought it'd cheer me up. He even got low fat cream cheese because he knows I'm dieting. I didnt want to hurt his feelings by not eating it but it cost me almost 10 points. I was searching weightwatchers.com for some low point dinners that were easy enough for a blind person to make AND that my kids would eat. I struck gold! I found this recipe...

Pepperoni Pizza Pouches

Ingredients

10 oz frozen pizza crust dough, at room temperature

4 tbsp canned tomato sauce

1/4 cup(s) part-skim mozzarella cheese, shredded

1 oz pepperoni, in 8 slices

Instructions

• Preheat the oven to 425°F; spray a nonstick baking sheet with nonstick cooking spray.


• On a lightly floured work surface, unroll the dough. With your hands, press it into a square; cut into 4 squares. Place dough on the baking sheet. Spread dough with the tomato sauce and sprinkle with the cheese. With the dough on the diagonal, fold in the corners as bi-fold rolls, pressing the corners gently to seal; leave some of the pasta sauce exposed. Place a pepperoni slice on the exposed pasta sauce. Bake until the cheese melts and the crust is golden brown, 10-15 minutes.

I used turkey pepperoni instead of regular to save some calories/fat grams and the kids loved it! Since I saved so much on the pepperoni I was able to add 1/4 cup of part-skim ricotta cheese. I let each of them make their own *calzone* and I even found the ingredients for Pizza Huts breadstick topping, they sprinkled some on top of theirs - I did not. OMG it was SOOO good! I measured every ingredient (including the ricotta cheese), put it into my WW online thingy... 6.5 points and I'm stuffed!

Oh. And today I learned (realized?) something. I've been wondering why I havent lost more than 3 pounds in 3 weeks. I read a post on 3FG this morning where someone (I'm sorry, I forget who) said something about a "monthly 5 pounds". Could it be possible that right TOM adds 5 pounds? If so I'm good because she's due here in a couple of days. I guess we shall see :)

I hate titles

Would it be rude to use the same title for every post? I hate thinking up those things.

Kids had a snow day today. I swear, 4 flakes fall and they close school. When I was a kid you had to get lost in it for school to close. We got less than an inch of snow today. The rest was rain. They could've gone to school.

Went to the doctors this morning. He gave me eye drops and warned me to stay away from silverware and battery acid. He was great as usual. Promised not to deposit my check until I called to say it was ok. Sometimes I wish doctors still worked for stuff. My grandmother told me her doctor (country doc) back in the day used to make housecalls and took livestock as payment. Like chickens and shit. I wish my doctor would take a chicken. Not that I have a chicken to pay him with. I have a nasty parakeet. He can have that.

I went on my interview. I'd say it went pretty well but I'm afraid to jinx it. I thought the other one went really well and havent heard a word from them yet. It took me a little over half an hour to get there at 2:30 in the afternoon. I'm guessing that means about an hour in rush hour? Yuck. Truth be told, I loved the drive. I love driving. I hate driving in traffic. I was very, very careful. I explained my pinkeye and he said he'd have understood if I cancelled. I didnt want to cancel even though I probably should have. I was afraid if I cancelled he'd think I was making an excuse not to drive in the snow. If he thought I was making excuses for the snow then if he hires me, everytime it snows I might call out. Unreasonable thoughts won the day. I sat there and dumped hand sanitizer into my palms almost every 5 minutes. There is NO WAY that I infected anybody which is good. He said he'd call me on Friday with his final decision. He told me he hates interviewing about as much as I hate being interviewed so he's out to make this a quick decision.

Other than the few Wii minutes on Monday, I havent exercised all week - unless digging in my eyes counts. I tried to do some stretching tonight but it didnt go well. I'm tense from all this interviewing business, plus the kids fighting like animals tonight, plus the weather (cold and raining)... I think I pulled something. I hope I didnt break anything. It's ok. I have pills. OMG I have so many pills. I could open my own drug store. I've been taking blood pressure medicine since I was pregnant with my youngest. They said it'd go away once the baby was born but it didnt. So here's my list.

Every day I take:

1. 2 blood pressure medicines. Prinivil in the mornings. Toprol at night (when I remember)


2. Vytorin for cholesterol


3. Diclofenac - an anti inflamatory for the arthritis in my back


4. zantac for the heartburn the diclofenac gives me


5. Flexeril - a muscle relaxer (it blocks pain signals from the nerves.... great stuff)

Then when the weather is bad, or I overdo something, or stand/walk for too long I have a choice between

1. 2 bottles of Valium for spasms (one for my purse, one for home)


2. Ultracet (doesnt work)


3. Soma (makes my stomach bleed)


4. Percocet (makes me sick)


5. 3 bottles of Norco (works great but makes me sick)


6. 2 bottles Lortab (my usual first choice, works reasonably well, doesnt make me sick - one bottle for my purse, one for home)


7. 2 flavors of Vicodin (sometimes works, most times doesnt)

It's a miracle I'm not addicted. What scares me is these things coming up on a drug test. I know that as long as I have a prescription they cant be used against me but seriously, would you hire someone who you knew uses narcotics?



OK so food today. I havent used all of my points. I still have 10.5 left but I'm not hungry. I had the best omlet this morning. 1/2 cup egg beaters, 1/2 cup of mushrooms, 8 slices of turkey pepperoni & 1/4 cup part skim mozzarella cheese. I also had a small pita. The whole thing filled me clear through lunch for only 4 points. Add 1 pt for my coffee and breakfast was good!

For lunch my son brought me a grilled chicken salad. I had half of it for lunch with balsamic vinegar for 4 points and the other half for dinner for no points (I calculated the whole salad at lunchtime)

Tomorrow the Verizon guy is coming to install my FIOS. I hate leaving Comcast but they gave me no choice. I hope FIOS doesnt suck :(

2 more interviews

I have 2 more interviews set up for this week. One is tomorrow for a recruiter, the other is Wednesday with the guy I interviewed with yesterday over the phone. The recruiter sounds psyched, he is even going to try to get me more money.

Nobody answered my email today. I think that is so rude, especially when my email today specifically said that I was hesitant to consider any other offers until their decision had been made. Obviously there are other candidates or this wouldnt be taking so long. I am not the only one hanging in limbo here. It doesnt take long to click the REPLY button and type a few letters. “Sorry, the position is filled” is only 26 letters (including spaces). “We havent made a decision yet, please hang in there” is barely double that. It only took 3-6 seconds to type each sentence.

I want donuts. Donuts make waiting easier. You see it on tv cop shows all the time. They ALWAYS have coffee and donuts on stakeouts.

the weighting game

ha ha ha… get it? the WEIGHTING game! Sometimes I kill myself :) ok so it wasnt that funny but it is the game that I’m playing today again.


Monday is my official weigh in day. I’m not going to meetings or anything yet but I do make it a point to step on that stupid scale first thing in the morning. There’s been no change. I’ve been doing WW since Jan 9 and have only lost 3 pounds. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I’m not using all of my points. At the end of the week I still have a few weekly points left, I dont pay attention to the activity points at all so they never get used either. I wish someone would hire me so I can go to WW meetings and ask someone for help (cant really afford it on unemployment). I thought about posting for advice on the WW section at 3FG but decided against it. The last thread I started ended with someone trying to start shit. I dont know if that was her intent or not but that’s how it felt. I posted my frustration with the support levels I’m getting from my kids and one lady decided (without reading it) that it was about creative uses for rat poison.

At that point I decided that my post count would always be low. I will respond to a other posts when I think I have something useful to add but not that many and when I do it will be brief.

Anyway…. back on track!

So my weight sucks. I sent an email to the HR Director of that company I interviewed twice for. They said they’d call early last week and they havent. I sent her an email asking if a final decision had been made and provided an alternate number in case my phone goes out.
I’m switching from Comcast & Vonage to Verizon FIOS this week. My Comcast bill was always 127.14. This month they sent me a bill for 187.90. I called them and was told my promotion was over. I’ve been a Comcast customer for 15 years, what the hell kind of promotion could I have had. They dont know but told me they dont have any other promo’s to give me. My bill is what it is and will always be that way unless I take their triple play. I dont want Comcast phone service. I dont know a single person who has it and is happy with it. I have Vonage for my phone company and I love it. Long story short… FIOS offered me a deal, Comcast would not. I told the Comcast guy what Verizon was offering and he said maybe I should take the offer. What kind of customer service is that! lol So Verizon is going to port my number from Vonage and I dont have much faith in the process. I’m afraid Vonage will release the number before Verizon is ready to install and I wont have a phone until Friday.

I’m waiting for either a return email or a phone call.

I’m waiting for a phone call from the guy I interviewed with on Friday.

I’m also waiting for the UPS guy with my Wii Fit.

WAIT WAIT WEIGHT. That seems to be the theme of the week. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long one.

14 minutes

in 14 minutes my phone is going to ring. I have a phone interview scheduled with a publishing company. They need a windows admin with mac experience. I have no idea why I sent them my resume. It’s true that I meet 98% of their requirements. The problem is I dont know anything about Mac’s and that bulletpoint on the job description said OS X (REQUIRED) Its not going to matter that I can navigate/administrate/support Windows in my sleep. It’s not going to matter that I’m certified in TCP/IP, Exchange & Cisco or that setting up a VPN comes as easily to me as writing my own name. The fact that I dont even know where the power button on a Mac is will kill me. I set myself up for failure this time and I dont know why.

I’m having one of those “what’s the point” days. I cant let it get to me. After this interview I am NOT going to babysit this phone again like I did yesterday. If IFIC doesnt call me today then I know I didnt get that job. That hurts. Of all the interviews I have been on, all the resumes I have sent out…. that’s the job that I wanted the most. It’s so hard to let it go because all through BOTH interviews they made it sound as if the job was mine. The way the Network Systems Manager kept saying “we WILL be calling you”. The way the CIO, on our second interview, was mainly concerned with my commute and how soon I could be there if a server emergency occurred (my answer was 10 minutes btw). The way the Senior VP/HR Director laughed and said to me “OK, well I’ve made MY decision”. She even told me about Christmas bonus’s!! How do you tell someone who you’re NOT going to hire how great the bonus’s are? I mean seriously, how much more positive can an interview go?!!? So why havent they called?

After this interview is over I am going to get dressed. I am going to get in my car and go shopping. LOL takes a lotta balls to go shopping wihtout a job doesnt it :) First I am going to Barnes & Noble to buy that book the girls are talking about on 3FG. I’d ordered it online this morning but a little while ago I realized that I need an excuse to leave the house today so I cancelled the order. I’m going to B&N to buy that book. I might even sit in one of the comfy chairs and read a little bit of it before coming back home. Then I am going to the grocery store to buy more WW foods. I know that I’m paying extra for the name but it’s worth it to me to know (without measuring) how many points I am eating. I am going to resist the urge to drive thru the McDonalds that I have to pass twice on my travels. Maybe, just maybe I will even go to Lowes to buy some white paint. I’ve been wanting to repaint my woodwork for months! That might be the distraction that I need to make it through the weekend. (hope I can do that without hurting myself)

I can hear my credit cards crying already

INTERVIEW OVER:
It wasnt as bad as I thought. He said that although they have several Mac users, the main thing they are concerned with is installing software and putting them on the network. I’ve done that. He said the most important thing is that the users feel comfortable with the person trying to fix their machines. There was a verbal test. I think I got an 85? maybe? There were some Mac questions that I obviously couldnt answer. My main problem was that although I could visualize the steps involved, I couldnt find the words. When you create users on an Exchange server, after the first 100 or so you stop thinking about it. It becomes an automated process that you can almost do with your eyes closed. That makes it kind of difficult to explain the steps without having an actual server in front of you. He was very concerned with my salary requirements. It seems that I am asking for less than what they are offering. He feels that makes me underqualified on the surface. I explained to him that at my last job NOBODY got a raise for 4 years. I got one 3% raise the first year that I was there and that was it. No raises, no bonus’s (although one year the president of the company did give us 100.00 american express gift cards and a pizza for Christmas) Now that I’m remembering it, it really was a shitty job lol

I dont know. I’ll see what happens. He said he had some more interviews to do. Said he’d call me next week to let me know either way. He sounds like a real anal guy to work for. He believes in documenting every little thing. He got mad at the previous network administrator for not writing down that he connected a laptop to the router to send an emergency email when the servers went down. I wanted to say… hey mister? the servers were down…. exactly who was going to read that email?

But I didnt.

Now I’m going shopping

nervous eating

that’s what I’m doing today. The thing is, I KNOW that I’m doing it but I cant stop. That’s a lie. I’m sure that I could stop if I wanted to. I just dont want to. I want to eat until I explode

I had that second interview last week. They told me that they would be contacting me *early next week* to let me know either way. Monday was a holiday - they were closed. Tuesday was the inauguration (not a holiday but I gave it a pass anyway). Yesterday officially ended the early part of the week and they havent called. I sat here all day yesterday and stared at the phone…. willing it to ring. But it didnt. All day again today I have stared at the phone. Everytime it rings my heart skips a beat. But it’s always my mother.

All I have done is stare at this damned phone and eat! I had a WW bagel & WW cream cheese with a slice of cantelope for breakfast (5 pts). Then I had an apple (1 pt). More cantelope (2 pts worth this time). 2 slices of toasted raisin bread with raspberry jam (3 pts). My son brought me the healthiest salad on the planet for lunch. Grilled chicken, romaine lettuce, tomato, cucumbers & carrots - balsamic dressing on the side (4 pts). I ate every bit of that salad like the world would end if I didnt empty that tin.

After the salad was empty I HAD to get out of the house. I felt the walls closing in and the damned phone still refused to ring! I got in my car and went to CVS. I told myself that I needed some Dove hair moisturizer. They didnt have any but I couldnt stand the thought of going back home so I wandered the store. I bought a bag of Ruffles Sour Cream & Onion chips. I ate them. I bought a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. I ate them too. I KNEW what I was doing was wrong. I snuck this shit into my house. MY HOUSE and I’m sneaking food like a theif. Oh, did I mention the diet coke and Twizzlers?

The ruffles are gone. The pretzels are gone. I hid the Twizzlers in the bottom drawer but I can still hear them calling to me. The phone still hasnt rung and I want more junk. There’s this hole that no matter what I stuff into it wont close. The job is just one more thing on top of a pile of other things that isnt happening. I really wanted that job too.

My day started out so good. I took a shower, put on decent clothes, I did my hair AND put makeup on! I was determined that today would be a great day. And I blew it.

Congratulations Mr President

I sat in front of my tv today gasping at the sight of 2 million people on the White House mall. I cried as Senator Obama took the oath of office and laughed out loud when Chief Justice Roberts forgot the words. I was amazed to see so many tears in that crowd. So much pride in our country. So much hope!

Nobody despised Bush more than I did but I even cried for him a little bit. The boo-ing and the “get the hell out” signs were totally unnecessary. The history books will not be kind to him. His intentions were good. I honestly dont believe he set out to destroy our country. I was impressed with how well he carried himself today. How graceful and sincere his congratulations was.

I am blessed to be here to see this. Sometimes people dont realize history is happening right before their eyes. It’s not until someone points to it later on and says “THAT was important”. I know this is important. My children know this is important. Not just because he is the first black president (although that is important in and of itself). This is important because he will change the direction this country is headed in and I believe he will make a difference.





My son came home from school and told me that they watched the inaguration in class. Then he asked me if things were going to get better now. “I hope so baby, I hope so”

While the pundents broke down the speaches I struggled to do my brothers taxes. All afternoon he sat behind me complaining about Barak Obama. He’s getting less of a refund this year than last. He blames Obama (the man has been president for less than 3 hours yet it’s his fault my brothers refund is less). The economy is in a hole, that’s Obama’s fault too. Then he broke into this bizarre accent. I think he was trying to imitate eubonics? At that point I got very scared. As proud as I am to be an American today, I was instantly reminded that not everyone is as happy as that crowd and I were. Some people are downright angry. I pray for President Obama’s safety and the safety of his entire family.

As politically incorrect as this may be “all it takes is one redneck with a gun………..” and we have a whole new history in front of us.

NEW FOOD!!

Ohhh!! I tried a new recipe tonight. I didnt know a healthy way to cook pork chops without shake & bake or bbq sauce. I got this off weightwatchers.com. I didnt have cider so I used apple juice. It was SOOO good!! Next time I make it with juice I leaving out the mustard, I found it overpowering. I also used sage instead of dill

Pork Chop Dinner with Apple-Cider Sauce
POINTS® Value: 7
Servings: 4
Preparation Time: 15 min
Cooking Time: 22 min
Level of Difficulty: Moderate

A delicious one-pot meal perfect for a hearty fall or winter dinner. Also terrific with sage instead of dill.

Ingredients

1 pound(s) uncooked red potato(es), baby-size
3/4 pound(s) savoy cabbage, cut into 3- to 4-inch-wide wedges
2 tsp canola oil
1 pound(s) lean boneless pork chop, four 4 oz chops
2 1/2 tbsp dill, fresh, chopped, divided (plus extra for garnish)
3/4 tsp table salt, divided
1/2 tsp black pepper, freshly ground, divided
1 medium apple(s), Gala suggested, cored and cut into 12 wedges
1 1/4 cup(s) canned chicken broth
1/2 cup(s) apple cider
2 tbsp all-purpose flour
1/4 cup(s) scallion(s), sliced
1 tbsp Dijon mustard

Instructions
*Steam potatoes in a large deep skillet until almost tender, about 6 minutes. Add cabbage wedges and steam until potatoes and cabbage are both tender, about 3 to 4 minutes more. Drain and remove potatoes and cabbage to a serving platter; cover to keep warm.

*Heat oil in same skillet over medium-high heat. Sprinkle pork with 1 tablespoon of dill, 1/2 teaspoon of salt and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper; gently press to adhere seasonings to pork.

*Add pork to skillet and cook, turning once, until golden and just cooked through, about 6 to 7 minutes; remove to serving platter.

*Add apples to skillet; sauté 1 minute. Meanwhile, in a small bowl, whisk together broth, cider, flour and remaining 1/4 teaspoon each of salt and pepper.

*Add broth mixture to skillet and bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer 2 minutes. Stir in scallions; simmer until slightly thickened and apples are tender, about 1 minute. Remove from heat; whisk in mustard and remaining 1 1/2 tablespoons of dill.

*Lift apples with a slotted spoon onto platter; spoon sauce over top and garnish with chopped dill or dill sprigs. Yields about 1 pork chop, 3 potatoes, 1 cabbage wedge, 3 apple slices and 1/4 cup of sauce per serving.

3 of many

Yep. I lost my first 3 pounds. I dont *officially* weigh myself again until Monday but as of yesterday I’ve lost 3 pounds :) I have to admit I was a little disappointed with that number. Now wait…. losing 3 pounds is a hell of a lot better than gaining 3 no question. But I’m reading on the forums where people are losing 10 pounds in a week and I wonder what it is that I’m doing differently, what they’re doing that’s better.

(there’s that FAILURE thing again)

Speaking of that failure thing…

Yesterday was my son’s 12th birthday and his father came to see him. Back in my first post here ever I briefly mentioned him. I think I said something like *just coming out of another bad relationship*. HE is that bad relationship and we’ve only been separated for a few months. He worked last night so he came late. Normally I would’ve said 11:00 was too late to come for a visit but it was his sons birthday so I made an exception. I need to detour from the story for a little background or this next part wont make sense. It’s COLD outside. Since I have no job I need to keep my expenses low. I have the heat set on 63 at all times. During the day it’s not bad but at night it’s brutal so the kids and I pile into my bedroom, close the door and hang out in there. It’s a small room and with the door closed it gets very warm in there. So he shows up at 11 and my son and I are in my room watching tv. He sits on the edge of the bed and they start talking, playing, arguing over tomorrows football game etc. Then my son goes to bed. We had all been watching a movie so it wasnt weird that HE stayed to watch the end of it. We’re trying to have a good relationship for our son.

I mentioned that my back hurt. He started massaging it and well……. you know…… I went right back into that old comfort zone that is HIM. I hate him. I hate that I spent 14 years with a man who doesnt want the same things that I do. I hate that he lied to me for most of those years by making promises that he had no intention on keeping. And now I hate that I was weak and gave in AGAIN. Yes… I failed!!

I think I need therapy.

a job maybe?

I had a second interview today. I think (I hope) that it went well. I really want this job. It’s perfect for me. First of all, I’m absolutely qualified for it. It’s close to home, the people seem nice, most of them have been with the company for 15 years or more. That’s the kind of job that I want. The kind my parents had. My mother worked for the same hospital for 27 years. My dad worked for the same company for 18 (until he got sick and they made him retire). This company isnt afraid of change either. They’re looking at newer technologies and if I’m hired I’ll start at the very beginning of the upgrade process. When I think of the things that I could learn!!! What an exciting time to work there!

On the way home from the interview I realized that I’d need a whole new wardrobe. This will be the first job I have ever had that wasnt business casual and for the past 2 years I’ve worked at home in my pj’s. If they hire me they have a business attire dresscode which means shopping. More of seeing sizes like 18 and 22 flash before my eyes. The last time I went shopping and saw those numbers I wanted to drive my car off a bridge on the way home. Where did my 7’s go?

You know what else I realized about this possible shopping adventure? I’ll have to do it several times. Lets say I lose 3 pounds a week (2-3 is normal right?). In a month my clothes will be too big. In a month and a half a belt wont cut it.

I get that buying smaller clothes is a happy thing. Wasting money is not. Buying clothes that I HOPEFULLY will only fit in for a couple of weeks just seems like an insane thing to do. Want to know a secret? When that thought came into my head I actually spent a few minutes thinking that I should put off my diet. Why bother losing weight if it’s going to cause all these problems.

If there was ever a WTF moment, that was it :)

Weight Watchers

Last week I decided to stop counting calories and joined Weight Watches online. I didnt feel like I was doing the counting right. There was one day last week that I only had 600 calories and felt like a total failure. I found my self thinking things like ”How could you not eat enough?… its FOOD! how hard can it be?”

So WW has a free trial and I signed up for it. Once I go back to work I’ll start going to meetings too. Unfortunately I cant do both right now.

Today was a test

And I failed miserably!

today I decided to consciously TRY to eat healthy. All the other days I didn’t try, I honestly didn’t even think about it. I ate what I wanted and wrote it all down. On those days I barely broke 1200 calories.

Today I TRIED. I paid attention to what went into my mouth, thought out my meals and wrote it all down. 1600 calories!! When I thought about it, really thought about what I was doing, I was starving all day! I snacked like the world was coming to an end. I was hungry every second of the day.

I do much better when I don’t think.

todays calories… 1629

1200 seems too high

I dont know what I’m doing wrong. I just cant seem to get much above 1200 calories per day. I just dont want to eat. I had to force myself to eat what little bit I did eat today. Everytime I go in the kitchen I get a mental flash of my body and I feel sick. Today, everytime I walked by the refridgerator I remembered the scale episode last night.

Yesterday I said that I’d gotten this new fancy *measure everything* scale. I read the manual, followed the programming instructions and stepped on it. I got my weight (which is more than I thought it was…..241.5!!!) then I got an error. I spent an hour programming and reprogramming the thing to clear the error. No go. I’m thinking the stupid thing is broken. As a final test I programmed my 12 year old son as a user. It works fine!! So I googled the error and found online documentation for my scale http://www.prodex-hk.com/pevr-2101.htm
on the bottom of the page it says:

If the results of the analysis exceeds the scales LC display, then >>ERR<<>

That’s my error! I exceed the scales display capability. I dont get how since it says max weight is 395 but somehow my 241 exceeds the limit. I wanted to slit my wrists. I felt sick. I still feel sick over it. How did I not realize this was happening to me? How did I not see it? Why didnt anybody say anything!!

Speaking of nobody saying anything… I went to the doctors today to get my newest MRI results. I’ve had the same primary care doctor for 15 years. He’d have to be blind not to notice that I’ve almost doubled in size. Why wont he say the words? None of my doctors will say the words and I dont get it. I just want one of them to be honest. “your back is never going to feel better unless you lose some of that weight”. Thats the truth and it’s what I want to hear. It feels like a lie of omission and if they’re lieing to me about that, what else arent they being honest about? I dont know, maybe I’m paranoid.

I did notice that I weigh less in the mornings so that was a smiley moment. 237 this morning as opposed to 241 last night. I will never step on that thing again at night

OH!! and I got a call for a second interview! I really want this job. It’s a stable company (not retail) close to home, I’d be learning new things and the pay is great!

calories today: 1073

p.s
me and that scale? It’s war now! My first official mini-goal is to get that stupid thing to work for me

all I want is a stupid scale!

I went to K-Mart to buy a food scale and to check out what Christmas stuff they have left (75% off now!). I was SOOO proud of myself. I walked right by the cans of popcorn! You know the ones.. with the plain, cheese and caramel popcorn in them. Oh how I wanted that popcorn. I love those popcorn cans. I wait all year for the stores to start selling them. I cant decide which one I like better - the cheddar cheese or the caramel

I was surprised to find they didnt have any kitchen scales. The salesgirl said that with everyone making their New Years resolution to lose weight they sold out of them, she suggested Home Goods. I went there next. They didnt have any either.

While I was at K-Mart I finally got a bathroom scale. It was on sale… 29 bucks. My mother had given me one (for some reason she had 2) but it didnt work for me. I was all happy when she gave it to me. I can watch my weight now! YAY!! Problem was I couldnt see the numbers if I was standing on it. Now watch me lie to myself…….. ready?………… The dial is too small and too far away to see. Combine that with the bad lighting in the bathroom? Yeah… that scale isnt going to work. Truth is it IS a really small dial and the lighting IS really bad in my bathroom. But we all know that’s not why I cant see it. I haven’t seen my toes in years and I’ll die before I ask someone to tell me what the reading is.

So I got an excuse-free scale today. It’s a body weight, water, muscle and bone mass monitor. I don’t know if it does all of that or not. I bought it because the display comes off and hangs on the wall. I hold the display in my hands while standing on it. Cant use the lighting excuse anymore. Now if I can just figure out how to program the thing I’ll be in business.

I also bought some Slim-Fast. I dont know it that stuff works or not but I’m REALLY not hungry in the mornings. I figure if I at least have one of those it’s better than nothing at all.

After yesterdays hospital adventure and todays kitchen scale mission my back is pretty bad so I didnt exercise much. I spent some time on my ball, mostly stretching but that’s about all I could manage.

I actually did end up buying a kitchen scale today. I went to K-Mart for the 10.00 jobby and ended up ordering a 30.00 one on amazon.com. Oh well, at least I got free shipping

calories today… 1207

can it be a bad hair day if I didnt wash my hair?

You know how when your hair looks bad everything else seems to follow? A hairday doesnt get any worse than waking up and throwing it up in a scrunchie and forgetting about it.

I got up as I normally do. Got the kids out to school and settled in for my morning job search. I sent out a grand total of ONE resume today. YAY! If I dont get a job soon we’re all in deep doo-doo. Oops, sidetracked sorry. I finished my daily job search and started on my normal routine. Close the monster page, have some breakfast, take a shower, check the job sites again, have lunch… check the jobsites again…. you get the picture. (admit it… you’re jealous of my jetsetting lifestyle arent you)

On my way to the kitchen I hear my son coughing. He’s 21, also unemployed but at least he’s on a path. He’s also been fighting a cold for about 2 weeks and he’s losing. So I knock on his door and open it to find him coughing up blood. Not a lot of blood but considering you’re not supposed to be coughing up ANY blood, in my opinion a little is too much. I have to fight with him to go to the hospital. He doesnt want to go. ”I’m fine”… “I have no insurance”… ”I’ll be ok”. Now I gotta be the mom. “Get your ass in the car or I’m calling an ambulance”. My oldest is a very private person, he doesnt like anybody knowing his business. Having an ambulance with his name on it pull up outside would have sent him over the edge so he gave in and went. Don’t you think for a minute that he didn’t tell everybody in that hospital that he was FORCED to go there too lol He’s also a very proud person. What happened at the hospital might just ruin him for life.

Thank GOD he only has bronchitis. They give him some antibiotics, a couple of prescriptions and send us to “THE DISCHARGE WINDOW”. What the hell is a discharge window? The door to leave the ER is right next to this discharge window but it’s locked. The guy who pushes the button to unlock it is IN the discharge window. We go up to him, he asks my sons name and tells us we have to pay a $250.00 deductible before we can leave. What?!?! Yep. He says its hospital policy, it’s a new policy. People without insurance have to pay a $250 deductible. My son told him he didnt have $250.00. He isnt working. He asked me if I had it. I’m not working either. I told him that I didn’t have $250.00. He said “we take checks and credit cards”. My son is hacking up his lungs and this asshat isn’t letting us out of here without money. I took out my checkbook, wrote a check and told him to let us the hell out of there. He says no. We have to go to the 4th floor to apply for charity care. WHAT?!?!? My kid is sick, he should go straight home to bed. Nope. We’re hostages. We have to go apply for charity care.

Now realize something. I’m the woman who cant walk to the corner deli and back without tears of pain streaming down my cheeks. I have to walk all over this damned hospital to find the charity care room! You had to see us. We were quite the site. My 21 year old son, coughing and spitting the blood into a tissue…. holding his crippled mother up as we wandered the hospital hallways. You would think that SOMEONE would show some compassion and get us a wheelchair. It’s a hospital for pete’s sake. They’re all over the place! Nope. They’re for patients only. We finally get there, he’s handed an application and before we can find an empty chair to sit and fill it out he’s called inside. The man behind the desk asks for his paperwork. What paperwork? We need proof of income, last 4 checkstubs or unemployment papers AND bankstatements (not computer printouts). I said to this guy….. “this is a joke right? he came for medical treatment, not to file his taxes!”. So now he HAS to go back there tomorrow with his paperwork in order to qualify for charity care. Are you kidding me!??! They cant even give him a couple of days to get better. Absolutely unbelievable!

We get home it’s after 4pm. I havent eaten a nything all day except the chips I got from the vending machine, my back is screaming at me in 5 different languages from the walking, my head is about to explode from the stress and the thought of cooking makes me want to cry. I cant even take a pain pill because I’m afraid I’ll get the “You’re hired” call and have to take an immediate drug test. I dont want to have to explain narcotics in my results. Not only did I order have a bag of chips for lunch at the hospital…. I ordered pizza for dinner and had 2 slices :(
It’s only my 3rd day and I’ve fallen so far off the diet wagon it’s a miracle I didnt break something. I think I’m FINALLY going to take my shower now. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll drown

calories today… 617

Sloth

sloth [slawth or, especially for 2, slohth] –noun
1. habitual disinclination to exertion; indolence; laziness.
2. any of several slow-moving, arboreal, tropical American edentates of the family Bradypodidae, having a long, coarse, grayish-brown coat often of a greenish cast caused by algae, and long, hooklike claws used in gripping tree branches while hanging or moving along in a habitual upside-down position.
3. a pack or group of bears.

I’m watching a show on the History Channel and they’re talking about the 7 Deadly Sins. There were these 2 doctors a couple of hundred years ago who thought they had the cure for sloth. One implanted monkey testicles into men, the other implanted goat glands. I’ll admit to being lazy but seriously…… monkey balls?

Now they’re saying modern day sloth is a medical condition and there are cures for it. A cure for laziness. Image that!! I wonder if they have the childrens dosages figured out yet.

OK so it’s 7:00. Everybody says not to eat after 7 (or 3 hours before bedtime). Now is when the REAL hunger sets in. What is it about not being able to do something that makes you want to do it even more? If I’m going to do this then maybe I need to move my bedtime to 7:00. Then I wont need to eat! (shhhhh… dont remind me of the 3 hour thing….. I want to pretend this could actually work)

calories today… 1308

So.... HI!

Someone asked on the forums if I had checked with a doctor or was doing PT. No to both. I lost my job so I have no insurance to ask a doctor anything.

But here’s what I know….

I KNOW I’m fat. I KNOW being fat isn’t helping my back at all. I KNOW if I can lose some weight I’ll feel better. And I KNOW if I strengthen my core abdominal muscles my back will be stronger. I also KNOW that I can do this. I am finally at the point where I’m not reaching for the pain pills every couple of hours. I don’t even take them every day anymore so I know now is the time to start. I know what I can do, and I know what I cant. I have no desire to hurt myself…. my kids have been through enough.

I have an elliptical cross-trainer. My job gave it to me after my first surgery. I can do 5 pain-free minutes on it now. Please dont laugh at my 5 minutes. There was a time I couldnt do 30 seconds without collapsing to the floor. I know that 5 minutes isnt enough so I do 5 minutes a couple of times a day. I’m not sure if that’s good enough. My son says it’s not the same as doing 30 minutes at a time. I think it’s better than nothing but I could be wrong. I’m also dipping my toes into the low impact yoga/pilates pool. I intended to start that yesterday but after vaccuming the carpets I started to hurt so I didnt. I’m not chasing that *no pain - no gain* theory just yet. If I have pain, I stop.

I’m not understanding this whole dieting thing either. Yesterday I started a food journal. Thats the #1 thing that everybody on 3chicks says you need to do no matter which diet plan you’re doing so I started one. I ate normally and only consumed 1265 calories. My mother says that’s too low. She says I need to eat at least 1600. So I have to force myself to eat? I was always taught if you’re not hungry DONT EAT. Now I’m confused. I’m going to give this journal a week to see what happens. Maybe I didn’t eat normally because I knew it was being recorded? That has to be it because if I normally eat between 12 and 1300 calories a day there’s no way (exercise or no) that I would be 243 pounds.

calories today… 1294

About me (how did I get here)

I am 44 years old and the mother of 3 incredible young men. I've been divorced for 14 years - 13 of those years were spent with another *wrong man*. As of Thanksgiving I am completely single and looking forward to the rest of my life.

Somehow ALL of this snuck up on me. Everybody asks how this happened. Truth is I don't know. There was no car accident, no fall that I can remember. There is no single incident in my life that I can point to and say *there!... that's when it started*. Unless I fell and hit my head in that same fall? I don't know. I just remember waking up one day and my back hurt. Over time it hurt more and more. One day I walked into the doctors office for a blood pressure check and prescription refill and he (the doctor) asked why I couldn't stand up straight. I didn't know so he sent me for an MRI. The MRI showed a couple of herniated disks and a bunch of other stuff... degenerative disk disease, acute osteoarthritis, hypertrophy of something or other, prominent stenosis to..... who cares anymore. Everybody these days has some sort of disk disease, nothing to worry about he says. He sent me off to PT.

PT didn't help. I think it made things worse but what do I know. He then sent me to an orthopedist who recommended epidurals. I wasn't having any of that. All 3 of my kids were born by emergency C-Section and I had epidurals with all of them. They all ended up being done under general anesthesia because the epidurals didn't take. 1 - 2- 3 - 4 sticks with that needle did nothing. Now here I was, years later with bad disks in exactly the same area they were poking in? No! Epidurals broke my back. There was no way they could fix it! (can you say stubborn?)

I went back to my primary who convinced me that epidurals were the way to go. He pointed out that the epidurals he wanted me to have were different than the kind they use for birthin babies and that maybe, just maybe the reason they didn't take was because there were problems there to begin with. Who know. It made sense in my non-medical head. 6 months of those (twice a month) and I still couldn't stand up straight. In fact, I was much worse now. I couldn't stand up at all!

It was explained to me that each nerve in your body has a certain amount of this chemical in it. If the nerve is pinched it starts emitting this chemical that tells your brain *HEY! I'm HURTING HERE!*. If that nerve stays pinched it freezes. It locks up and (for lack of medical terminology) it becomes paralyzed. I had a bunch of pinched nerves so when they paralyzed...... I fell. I would fall walking from the living room to the bathroom. I would fall walking up the steps to my house. I would fall standing at the sink doing dishes. I'd fall in the grocery store and at work too. Anytime I spent too much time on my feet I hit the ground. My heart breaks when I think about how many times my kids came home and found me on the floor.

It was around this time that my job moved my office to my home and my doctor recommended surgery. I had a microdiscectomy on May 8, 2007. That stopped the falling but the pain in my back was still severe. The surgeon sent me back to PT which again did nothing for the pain. He tells me my only other option is another surgery. I had spinal fusion on October 2, 2007. When I woke from the surgery my entire right leg was paralyzed they still dont know why it happened or why it hasnt returned to normal. Sometime in mid-November the surgeon went back in to remove some scar tissue that he believed was causing the problem. For those of you not keeping score... thats 3 surgeries in one year.

As of today I have 70% usage and 40% feeling in that leg. One doctor told me it could take as much as 5 years to return to normal. Another doctor told me to get used to it, it's never going to change. I don't care anymore. It gets me all the good parking spots at the mall.

In February of 2008 I started having epidurals for pain again. Twice a week every month for I dont remember, 4 or 5 months. The doctors over there suggested that I have radiofrequency neurotomy. He told me that I would need the procedure done twice. Once on the left side, once on the right. In June (or was it July?) I had it done on the right side first. The insurance company refused to pay for another procedure on the left.

During all of this time I gained 60 pounds. Now before jumping to any cheesecake conclusions I know that some of that fat came from quitting smoking. I smoked a pack a day every day for 33 years. The surgeon told me that my fusion had no chance of success unless I quit. I don't know... he fed me some nonsense about nicotine hindering the fusion process. True or not I wasn't taking any chances. I quit smoking on October 1st 2007. I started again in March 08 then quit again when my kids decided to complain in May. I haven't had a cigarette since May 2008.

Even though I have been through all of this bullshit I still hurt. I hurt if I sit too long. I hurt if I stand too long. One day I decided that I was superwoman and that I could do anything. We needed milk and there's a deli right on the corner. Nobody was home and I wanted coffee so yeah.... I decided I could walk my big ass down the street for milk. I made it TO the deli. I couldn't make it home. My neighbor came outside, found me on the sidewalk and brought me home in my wheelchair. Superwoman can walk, just not too much.

I came to the conclusion that since I wasn't any better all those doctors were quacks! So I went to see another one. He said that I'd been *over operated on* and that there was nothing more that could be done. He handed me yet another prescription for Vicodin and sent me on my way. I REFUSE to believe a word he said!!

I lost my job on my 44th birthday October 30. The company filed for bankruptcy (Thanks George!) and laid off 80% of their corporate staff so I had to stop the epidurals. I was in a car accident on November 5th and finally got the nerve to kick a HUGE pain in the ass out of my life on November 23rd. The holidays are over and I want to start my life again.

All of those rambling paragraphs are reasons for being overweight. They will not be excuses.

2009 my year to be happy. My year to be fit. My year to find ME

Welcome to my journey. Buckle your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy ride