New job

I started my new job yesterday. Sorry I didn't post an update but when I got home I was exhausted. I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep Sunday night. It was so hot I couldn't get comfortable. It's a miracle that I didn't fall asleep at my desk.

The job is great. I like what they have me doing but I'm beginning to question my decision to take this position. I don't work for the company. I work for the agency who was contracted to fill the position. I've never done contracting before and if the economy wasn't this bad I wouldn't be doing it now. I've always only looked for permanent positions and I don't know anyone who has been contracted for more than a few months before either being hired by the company or let go. The guy upstairs did a 3 month contract and at the end of his 3 months he was unemployed again. My friends husband was hired for a 6 month contract and in his 5th month he was hired perm. THAT was what I was expecting to happen here.

Yesterday I found out that 90% of the people working for this company are contracted employees. They just keep renewing their contracts. One guy has been there almost 6 years on contract. At first I thought "that's great!" then on the way home I realized some stuff. Contract work isn't all that great.


The company is closed for the week between Christmas and New Years. I wont be working because they're closed. I also wont be getting paid because I'm not working. There are zero holidays, zero sick days, zero PTO days. If I'm hired by the company they have 12 holidays and a full week in December but since I'm working for the agency I get nothing and this company doesn't ever hire anybody.

What happens if (God forbid) I get sick? Swine Flu is a global pandemic. What if I (God forbid) catch it and have to miss a week of work? I cant afford to not get paid. My back still isn't fixed. What if I need more surgery down the road? Who pays my rent, food and bills while I'm in the hospital? And then there's the health insurance.

I took this job hoping to be hired perm at the end of my 6 months. I didn't think much about the insurance. I was offered health insurance but the agency doesn't offer family coverage. They only offer coverage for the employee and I have to pay 25% of the premium. When I got laid off from my last job I applied for NJ Family care. It's a state sponsored HMO for low income people without health insurance. 3 kids and my unemployment check qualified me as low income so my kids were approved, but you have to re qualify every year. If they renew my contract my kids will lose their insurance. I make too much money to stay on the familycare and the agency doesn't offer coverage for them. What happens then?

I have to think about these things. I cant afford not to. Sure the pay is good but it's not SO good that I'll be able to bank half of my paycheck in case of emergency. It's not SO good that I can afford personal health insurance for my kids. It's not like I can put them on their fathers plan. He's spent the past 15 years working off the books to avoid child support so you know the jerk doesn't have a health plan at his job. 129k in arrears. Every time I think about it my blood boils.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish my life wasn't always this hard.

I learned a few other things too. I learned that my pain level is in direct proportion to my appetite. The more pain I am in, the more food I need to eat. I hurt my back pretty bad on Saturday. I was walking the dog and bent down to pick up after her. I must've twisted in a bad way or something because I was in excruciating pain all day Saturday and on Sunday. Then, walking around at work on Monday made it worse. I was too tired to eat yesterday but OMG did I need food on Sunday. I figured it was what my body needed so I indulged that need but I tried to make the foods that I ate healthy. I didn't dive into a cheesecake but boy did I want to!

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women!

What is it about us women that makes us so incredibly stupid when it comes to men and marriage? OK, so maybe stupid isnt the right word. I cant even think of a word to use that fits this situation.

I have this friend, lets call her Anne (not her name). She sat in my livingroom not 6 months ago complaining about her husband. He talks down to her, he doesnt respect her, he thinks he's better than she is, smarter than she is. You get the picture. Anyway, 6 months ago she's sitting here telling me that she's tired of it. She put her life on hold for this man. Gave up a career that she loved to work for 7.00 an hour in his law office. She doesnt deserve it and in October (after his birthday) she is going to ask for a divorce. "Why are you waiting until October?". "I dont want to ruin his birthday".

WHAT?!?! I wanted to hit her with a pillow! lol

Well, something happened 2 weeks ago with his daughter (adult daughter) and she snapped. She told him she was moving out of their house by the end of the week. Again I tried to talk sense into her. The mortgage is in YOUR name. The insurance is in YOUR name. The bills are in YOUR name. Dont move out of that house, you could stand to lose it in the divorce. Or worse still, he can ruin her financially by not paying anything. Nope. She's moving out because "he promised to take care of everything". Sure Anne, he's been a real upstanding guy all these years. No reason to think that will change right?

So the other night she is out with some other friends of ours and one of them happened to mention that nobody ever really liked him anyway because of the way he spoke to her and put her down when she wasnt around.

She called me spitting nails! Now here is where the majority of my confusion comes from. She knew he was a pompous ass. Did she honestly think nobody else noticed? 6 months ago she and I talked at length about what kind of man he was and now she wants to cry and scream because other people saw him for who he really was too. It really wasnt much of a secret.

I just dont get it.
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Monday it is

I finally got the OK. I start work on Monday. They still havent verified my diploma but are letting that slide for now. The IT manager is getting upset because it's taking so long. It really has been a long time too. I was contacted by the recruiter about the position back in June. Something happened over there, I dont know what, but it put the project on hold for a month. I had my interview on the 28th and was hired on the 30th.

I'm printing out the 100's of pages of stuff that they sent me. I have to sign everywhere and bring it in with me Monday morning. I swear it's the size of the yellow pages. I REALLY hope it's a good hair day.

I wish it was Tuesday instead tho. My youngest son's football season started last week and the parents meeting is Monday at 6. I dont know what my hours are yet, all I know is that I have to be there at 8am Monday morning. But if I have to work until 5, it's easily an hour and a half home because of the traffic. That means that I will miss the meeting. I hate not being able to be involved.

My kids suffered last year because I was a cripple. They suffered the year before because of my surgerys. I missed almost all of their games, I swore that once I was feeling better I would never miss another one. I promised that no matter what I would be the one to take them to practices, scrimages and pep rallys.

But I didnt plan on losing my job. My boss had always told us, if you do your job and you do it well... you will always have a job here. I did my job and I was good at it. I loved my job and I thought it would always be there. I didnt count on the economy taking a nose dive. Now I have a job but it's 45 minutes away from home. 45 minutes WITHOUT traffic. I wont be the one to take him to practices. I wont be the one at parents meetings. My mother gets that honor again.

We've be in a whole lot of trouble if it werent for my mothers help over the years. She cooked for us when I couldnt stand up long enough to do it. She took my kids where ever they needed to go. She's cleaned my apartment, walked my dog & scrubbed my toilet. I owe her everything. But I'd be lying if I said that a tiny piece of me resents all the times that she was there for my boys because I couldnt be.

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whatever happened to...

the octomom? I found myself thinking about this woman today. The press went so far out of their way to get us interested in this woman and her kids then just they just moved on, leaving us to wonder what's up now. I was among those sick to death of hearing about her, but now that she's not a "top news story" I think I'm missing her. I think that's a little insensitive of our news media. She dominated the headlines for months! Now theres barely a word.

I decided to google her today and guess what? She's getting a Fox tv special on the 19th AND a reality show! lol There's what we need... more reality tv. On the upside, at least she'll have a job and money for all those kids.

What else? Lets see.... I dont start my new job tomorrow either. They're telling me that they still havent verified my hs diploma.

They've verified every other document they could find that pertains to my personal history and a 30 year old document is holding them up? Do they think I forged it? Anyway, I dont know when I'll be starting this job. I'm thinking maybe Monday. I hope so anyway.

Last night I watched a show on one of the PBS channels called Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits For 2 hours this Dr Dyer talked about how we carry the things we learn in our childhood with us for the rest of our lives and how those things affect our every day lives. He didnt talk much about how to change that thinking (you have to buy the book for that) but he really explored what makes up the majority of our thoughts and what's really behind our excuses. I've never been one for "self-help books" but I bought the book today. What's the harm? It's not I'm doing a great job with my life on my own.

Tomorrow I go back to logging my calories. I havent done that in a few weeks. I wanted to see if I'd learned enough to do it right without adding the numbers. I havent gained any weight, but I havent lost any either.

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what a day!

Today it was all I could do to not dive head first into a chocolate cake. Somehow I resisted the urge and settled for a small piece but let me tell you... in my heart I had the whole plate in one hand and a fork in the other!

I am not starting my new job tomorrow as planned. I cant even tell you when I will be starting this job. Apparently they are still waiting on some background info. I have bent over backwards for these people giving them every single little piece of information that they have asked for and they're still asking for more.

First it was my GED and HS diploma. Then I was subjected to TWO drug tests. The criminal background check. They didn't find out about my arson charge BTW. The law only allows them to go back 7 years for misdemeanors. They needed to know every address I have had in my life. Every name that I have used. They needed SIX professional references and three personal ones. I thought it was over. I was wrong.

First thing this morning I get a phone call. They arent able to see the raised seal on my diploma and now need to see the original. Excuse me but I am NOT sending these strangers my HS diploma! I sent them the transcript from my GED. I sent them the transcript from the MCSE training program that I took. I sent them my Microsoft ID numbers and test scores. But I have to draw the line at sending them original documents.

I figured if I scan the diploma to the computer and email them the file they will be able to see it in color instead of a faxed copy and maybe they'll be able to make out the seal. I sent that to them only to get a return email saying that they still cant see the raised lettering. Now I scan the back of the diploma so that they can see the imprints on the back from the seal. The company that I am supposed to work for said that was fine. The background checking company that the company I'm supposed to work for hired to check my background has yet to approve it. Yes, apparently even though the company itself will accept this, they still need the other company to sign off on it.

Then they call me back to say they havent as yet gotten anybody to verify my salary. Verify my salary? When did this come up? What does my salary at my last job have to do with the job that I have been offered? I know what you're thinking.... they need my salary history to gauge how much they are going to pay me for this job. But thats not it. I already have a signed job offer in my hands complete with a job description, salary, hours and bonus's. I feel like they just need this to be nosey.

First I'm told they need to speak to someone who worked at the company with me to verify that I worked there. I gave them that. Then they tell me they need to speak to someone who currently works at the company to verify how long I worked there. I gave them that. Now they are telling me that none of the people that they have spoken to are good enough because none of them can tell them how much money I made.

I'm feeling a HUGE invasion of privacy here. They have poked into every inch of the last 30 years of my life. They know when I was married. They know when I was divorced. They know my childrens names and ages. They checked into every job that I have ever had, both full and part time. They ran my drivers license. They ran a credit check even though they specifically told me that they would not be checking that. They probably even know my shoe size. I wouldnt be surprised if they've traced my ip address and are reading this blog tonight. I flat out told them that I'm beginning to feel violated by this whole process. If GETTING a job with this company is so difficult, I'm afraid to think about what actually working for them will be like.

If they had told me from the very beginning that they needed salary verification I would've somehow gotten it to them. They told me they needed W2's or paystubs showing my first and last weeks with the company to verify my tenure. Salary history was never mentioned until today. TODAY! When I'm supposed to start tomorrow. And the only person they are willing to speak to is someone in the HR department at my old job.

My old job is bankrupt. They are closed, out of business. Nobody works there anymore. It took hours on the phone to get someone over there to understand this and get them to accept testimony from someone who worked at our sister company on the west coast. Today they tell me that because the person I told them to speak to cant tell them how much money I made, he doesnt count. They want to speak to HR. The HR director was also the company controller and the sister company has just filed for bankruptcy. She is up to her neck in the process of paperwork, hearings, inventory liquidations, closing stores and trying to sell others. This woman hasnt returned a single phone call they made to her last week and so far she isnt returning any this week either. I think its safe to assume she's a little busy. If she hasnt called back by now I doubt she ever will.

Get this. I'm ranting about all of this to the recruiter who found me. This is the man who found my resume online, got me the interview and also got me more money than I was asking for. I'm on the phone ranting about this whole mess. I wanted to know why my salary history is so damned important. What I made at my last job has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I can do that job that I'm being hired for. He tells me that he will make a few phone calls to see why all of this is happening. A little while later I get an email...

"Salary History is considered a standard when verifying employment
through a verification company, this information is not a required response. Most firms choose not release this information without written consent from their employees. "

So... let me see if I got this right. This information is NOT required and they're EXPECTING to be told that since I havent signed a consent form they cant get the information anyway. But they're holding up my start date until they can get an official NO from the HR lady? Does that make sense to anybody? Because I'm sure as hell confused!

I will be 45 years old in October. I have been working all of my adult life and I have NEVER, EVER been asked to provide half of this information. Nevermind give them my high school diploma. Every single second of my adult life has been disected and laid out to display. They have violated more of my privacy than a 6 month contract position requires.

I was telling my son all of this today and he said "who are you working for? the FBI?". I'm thinking even the FBI wouldnt even require this much bullshit.
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The 3/50 Project

Instead of whining about how miserable I am. Or how much weight I'm NOT losing, I've decided to do something productive today and spread some useful information.

I recently came across a blog called Thinking Out Loud and she was talking about the future of the smaller "mom & pop" companies in this economy. This is where the 3/50 project comes in and, forgive me for quoting someone else's blog here but she says it much better than I ever could. I'm giving her credit and posting her link so I hope that makes it halfway ok.

"Everyone is feeling the pinch right now--all types of businesses--
including larger chains. But the small brick and mortar businesses are feeling it more than others. What I see when I go into these stores is not just products or price tags, but someone's dream or passion. Meeting these store owners is inspiring, and right now heartbreaking, as they try everything to simply keep
their doors open.

The basic premise is this: Look around your community and pick three brick and mortar businesses that you love and frequent, that you would miss if they weren't around. Make a point of going to those businesses and spending $50 in each one. It is a simple plan to help these businesses survive, but it also means helping to secure the patchwork of diverse businesses in our communities.

Even if you can't spend $50, spend $5.00. Every little bit helps. And if you can't spend $5.00, just pass the word along. When this recession turns around, and it will, we don't want to be left with only national chains standing."

Check out their website http://www.the350project.net/home.html for more information.
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LOVE Toyota waranty!

I jsut got back from picking up my car. They had to put a new computer and a new trans in. Something about the computer failure to release some code... I dont know. When it comes to cars I'm lucky I know where the key goes.

I've spent DAYS worried about how much all of this was going to cost me. Worried about mileage. Worried about labor. Worried about 35.00 a day rental fee. I've worried myself sick over this.

This morning they called to tell me the car was ready. I took a deep breath and get to get it. My car was 100% completely covered! ZERO BALANCE! The computer was covered 100% by my Toyota waranty. The trans, labor and rental car fees were covered 100% by my Toyota extended waranty. My total bill came to $3709.00 and I paid nothing :)

That extended waranty cost me $589.00 when I bought the car. That's the BEST 600 bucks I ever spent :)

Still no word from the piece of shit.

I got my new drug test paperwork this morning. I guess I'll go for that this afternoon. Maybe I'll take the kids to the beach tomorrow before I start work on Wednesday.

This week is starting out so well that I went and bought myself a lottery ticket

stupid stupid stupid

I did something monumentally stupid. I was going to give the neanderthal another chance. I know! I know! BIG mistake but I couldnt help myself. He came here Thursday night. He was so sweet and sad. How much he missed me. How sorry he is. He wanted to stay the night but I said no. I could've said yes, nobody was home. But something inside me screamed NO. He asked if he could come back on Friday and I said yes. He didnt show up. He called yesterday and said that he had called here but got no answer, he figured I'd gone out. Why would I go out if I was expecting him? He swore that he called. It was a lame excuse, I was home waiting and nobody else was here. Somehow I convinced myself that maybe one of the kids was on the phone before they left and didnt answer the beep. He said he would see me that night. The kids went out and I sat here waiting. I waited until 2am then went to bed. It's after 9pm and he hasnt called yet. I will NOT call him no matter how badly I want to. I want to call and tell him what a jerkoff he is but I have to be honest. There's this voice whispering in my ear telling me there was a good reason. I hate that voice. It lies. It lets me do things that I know are stupid and wrong.

I just cannot believe I let myself do this again. Why is it so hard to let go? We were together for 14 years. I spent every day of each year planning a future for us. We had a child together. My head wants to scream at "what did I do wrong". But I know it wasnt me who broke us. He refused to budge. He lies and he cheats and refused to make any type of sacrifice at all. It was his way or no way and I hate him for making me waste so much of my life on a lie. But damnit I am sooo tired of being alone. I'm no good alone. I just dont get it. I see other women, they have somebody. Women bigger than me, plainer than me, nastier than me. They all have somebody to hold them at night. What am I doing wrong? I tried the dating thing. I posted about my dating thing. None of them worked out.

I watched a movie on Lifetime tonight. The woman was psychic and she saw things. Mostly she saw people getting murdered but she saw other things too. I sat here half wishing that I could see the future too. I want to see into the future and see that I wont be alone for the rest of my life. But I have this strong, nagging feeling that I will.

I can sit here right now and say outloud "I would rather be alone than to be treated like shit" but I think on some level that might be a lie.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that I dont need a man. Nobody NEEDS one but I sure as hell WANT one.

I didnt eat today. I had my 3 cups of coffee like I normally do but that was it. I had half of a hamburger for dinner and some salad. I know that I should eat but I dont want to.

I hate this blog design
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