hi again

I've been gone for a while. I'm ok. I just fell into a hole.

I didnt want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anybody. It's taken every ounce of me to fight off the nothing that I wanted to be. So what put me here? Hell if I know. I hope I have a round trip ticket because I dont want to stay.

I went out with internet guy twice. He is nice enough, thinks I'm beautiful. I didnt realize that dating would take up so much time. Maybe its not supposed to but it did. We met on Tuesday night. He called me when he got home. He texted me all day from work on Wednesday, called again Wednesday night. Wash, rinse and repeat on Thursday. I wanted to go out sometimes, not give up every night of my life to be with him in one way or another. We went out again on Friday. I sat there across the table from him wishing that I was somewhere else... WITH someone else. With HIM! (Why cant I let him go?)

I still have no job. There arent many jobs out here and I'm applying for every one that I can find. I'm just not getting any answers. I hate the feeling of not being good enough. I used to think that getting within an inch of the job and losing it was the hardest. I was wrong. Sending out 20 resumes and not getting a single phone call in return can really suck the life out of a person. Even the recruiters have stopped calling. I dont know what is going to happen. I have my new lease in my hands. I'm afraid to sign it. What if unemployment runs out and I still dont have a job? Everyone keeps talking about this economic stimulus. How is that going to help me? All these *new jobs* that are supposed to be created... they're all construction. I dont see how that saves me or people like me. Looks like its all bullshit but we're supposed to have hope. Sorry Mr President, hope isnt going to feed my kids.

My computer took a vacation on Tuesday. I have a water cooled system and with everything thats going on in my life right now I forgot to keep a check on the water levels. Tuesday it ran so low the machine wouldnt stay on. It's fixed now but life with only my laptop was difficult. Not that I used it much. I didnt even care if I turned it on. I dont care about much of anything these days.

Needless to say, I havent been staying on my diet. I was sick for a couple of days. Feed a cold and all that happy shit. I gained 4 pounds back and I have to be honest and say that right now.... I really dont care. I want chocolate ice cream.







I raged at my kids Wednesday night. It was a holy day (Ash Wednesday) and I exploded all over our apartment. I screamed at everybody. I flipped my dining room table over. All those little things that I normally just suck up and ignore bubbled up and I exploded all over them. Thursday morning I didnt even recognize myself and hated myself even more. My middle boy still hasnt spoken to me. Cant say as I blame him. I was a monster.

I know that everyone falls into this hole at least once in their lives. The last time I was in it my back was still good and I was always able to waitress to make money. I cant stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time, no way can I carry a tray or an armful of plates anymore.

So, when you're in your hole....... how do you get out?

Chasing my dreams

On Feb 12 I wrote this:

Who knows, maybe I’ll figure out a way to start a new career AND take care of my family at the same time before the next job offer comes.

I think I've found that way. Online classes! I started out researching University of Phoenix. Then I read an article on someones blog talking about that place. First of all they're for-profit, meaning they're in it for the money as opposed to the education. That makes their courses more expensive than anywhere else. Second (and maybe more importantly) their credits dont transfer. So now that I knew where NOT to go, I needed to learn where TO go.

I found a list of brick and mortar universities that also offer online learning. Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to be a psychologist. I remember setting up my own little "the doctor is IN" (like Peanut's Lucy) stand in my bedroom and counseling my dolls. So that's where I focused my google search.

Baker College of Flint
City University of Seattle
Corban College
Dallas Baptist University
Drexel University
Penn State
Roosevelt University
State University of New York-Empire State College
Thomas Edison State College
University of Houston–Victoria
University of Wyoming
Upper Iowa University
Utah State University
Burlington College
Columbia College
Eastern Oregon University
Judson College
LeTourneau University
Liberty University
Limestone College
Mercy College
New York Institute of Technology
Northeastern University
Northwestern State University of Louisiana
Regent University
Saint Mary-of-the-Woods College
Southern New Hampshire University
University of Maryland University College
University of Massachusetts-Lowell

I'm excited about this. I know that at my age a phd to open my own little office is an unreal expectation. I'm 44 years old. If I chased the complete dream I'd be in my mid 50's before I graduated. That's damn near retirement age. However, there's nothing stopping me from getting a 4 year BS and doing drug abuse counseling or something along those lines.

Now for the smack in the face from reality. I'm 44 years old. I need to track down my HS transcript. I wasnt a very good HS student. As a matter of fact, I quit HS and finished my education at a local night school. Can I get transcripts from 25 years ago? Will my laziness & bad grades from way back then hurt my chances now? I never took my SAT's. Do I need those? And I dont even want to think about financing! Can I get financing? Financial aid? I'm still paying off a student loan from 20 years ago, can I get another one? As far as that old loan goes, I am sure of one thing.... even though I defaulted on it all those years ago, being as I am making regular payments now I am eligible for another loan. (Yes, I defaulted on my loan... short version.... after quitting HS & getting GED I went to one of those 9 month certification schools. While in school met and married the guy daddy hated. He turned into caveman... made me quit school, wouldnt let me work to repay the loan.) Being a single mom has torched my credit rating. Will I even qualify for a loan? I mean, I busted my ass trying to improve my credit and managed to get it from bankruptcy in 2005 to FAIR but losing my job sent me straight back down to POOR. I dont understand that either. There arent any black marks on my credit for the past 3 years. Even without a job I've made my credit card payments on time and in full. I havent made a car payment in 3 months but all of those payments have been deferred so they dont show up on my credit report either. The ONLY change has been losing my job and that sends my credit back into the pit? It's not fair but it's a rant for another day :)

I have to be careful. I cant allow myself to get excited over this possibility yet. There are a lot of road blocks to knock down. I'm not sure which one to tackle first.

Sunday

OK so I signed up for this online dating site. Today I had lunch and a nice walk with one guy. Coffee and dessert tomorrow with another. I wasnt going to start dating until I'd lost some of this extra weight. I didnt think I felt good enough about myself. Then I realized I'd been using those words.... good enough. I have never been good enough for anybody. I have been in 3 serious relationship in my lifetime. I wasnt enough for my first husband, he also needed alcohol. I wasnt enough for my second husband, he also needed other women and drugs. And I wasnt enough for my last boyfriend. We were together for 12 years and it turns out I wasnt enough for him either, if I were wouldnt have needed a whole other family behind my back. Yeah... long ugly story... I'm saving it for a rainy day. I've already opened up the daddy wound, this one needs to stay closed for a little while longer

Anyway. I refuse to believe that I'm *not enough* any more. I AM enough damnit and it's about time someone else agreed with me! He's got to be out there somewhere right?

OK SO!! Today all the Valentines day candy and flowers were 50% off. I love a sale :) I bought 2 count 'em TWO bags of jelly hearts. They're both in my bottom desk drawer. I dont know when (or IF) I'll ever eat them but at least I got Valentines candy lol



If receiving a Valentine means that somebody loves you then buying myself a Valentine means that I love me .... either that or I'm just a sucker for a sale :D

so yeah... Valentines Day

I love the story of Saint Valentine. There are actually 3 saints named Valentine but only one gets a holiday. Legend has it that he was a priest during the reign of Claudius II who defied Roman law to perform marriage ceremonies. He was arrested, stoned and beheaded for his trouble. There are actually a few stories of St Valentine and nobody is completely sure which one gets the holiday. But I like that one.

On this day of chocolate and roses I learned a valuable lesson...




If nobody gives you chocolate, you cant break you diet by eating it :D

its over

The VP called me today. He said he'd heard that I was unhappy with the salary I'd been offered but they had no intention of ever paying anybody 55k. I said "the job was posted at 55K, if you werent going to pay that, why did you put it out there?" I also told him that I felt the whole "she was happy before, she'll be happy again" attittude was a little insulting. I reminded him that "without knowing someones entire situation, you have no right to judge them on their behaviors, decisions and choices". At that point I told him my health history and my reasons for staying in an underpaid, dead end job. I also pointed out that if I had been able to walk I would have have absolutely searched for and found a job paying me what I was worth, but since I was in a wheelchair my choice was simple... low pay is still more pay than disability.

He said that he understood my reasons and would discuss it with the CFO and IT Director. I told him that my 55 wasnt set in stone either. They were offering me 50, I was looking for 55. "Maybe we could meet in the middle?", I said "compromise and make it 53?" He said that he would take that number, discuss it with the above mentioned people and someone would get back to me maybe tomorrow.

2 hours later my phone rang. It was the IT Director and he was mad!! They refuse to go any higher than the 50. He told me that he also believes 50 is too low for what the job entails but they are adamant. They want him to place another ad and I heard him try to cover the phone and say (apparently to someone else in the room) "they arent going to get anyone qualified at that salary, I'm not putting another ad up"

So that's it. My decision was made for me. It's all good. I'm sure something will come up. Who knows, maybe I'll figure out a way to start a new career AND take care of my family at the same time before the next job offer comes.

The lesson in all this mess is............ always LIE about your salary history!

now what?

I got an offer letter for that job. The problem is they're offering to match what I was paid at my last job & not what was posted on the monster ad. I'm going to put the numbers out there. The job was posted stating a salary range of between 55-65k. During the whole interview process all I was asked was what I made at my last position. I was very honest (which turns out to be my problem but I'll get to that later) I was honest and said I made 48k. I also made sure to bring up the fact that nobody ever got raises at my last job. In the 5 and a half years that I was there I saw one pay increase. It wasnt job related, they just didnt do it. Their excuse was always the same "this is retail, sales are down from last year". I did the math. If I had gotten regular annual increases I would have been making 53,400 at the time of the bankruptcy so in my next job I dont think it's unfair to ask for 55. The offer letter that I got stated they were offering me 48k.

I answered back with this:

Thank you for the offer but I am a little confused. I was hoping to earn more than my last position paid. Your ad on Monster said the pay range was 55-65k. I applied for the position because that is the pay range that I was looking for. I accepted the low pay and lack of annual increases at my last employer because of the convenience of working from home. If I had gotten annual raises I would've been earning somewhere in the area of 53k.

He (the man who will be my manager if I accept) called me and said that I was right. He also felt the 48 was too low but that's what they decided to offer me. He said their line of thinking is "if I was happy with 48 at my last job, I should be happy with 48 from them". He told me to send a formal email to him stating that I am looking for the 55k that was being offered. About 2 hours later he called me back.

They are only willing to go to 50 with a review and possible increase after 3 months. Their original train of thought stands. If I was happy before, I will be happy again. But I wasnt happy with the 48. I only accepted it for 2 reasons. Most importantly... I COULDNT WALK! When my back started getting really bad, they let me work from home part time. When my second surgery failed and I couldnt stand for more than a minute, they let me work from home. After my second surgery when my leg was paralyzed, they let me work from home. During all of this we still had a corporate office a few miles away, everybody else was still reporting to work. I was working from home & going to the office only 4 hours a week for 2 full years before everybody else was! They made special arrangements for me because our building was not handicap accessible and because they were nice that way (my boss was the BEST!). No I wasnt getting paid what I was worth and I wasnt getting a raise but I was definately getting paid more than disability would've been paying me! The money I saved working from home was great and made the low salary easier to handle. My car insurance was lower, I didnt have to pay for gas or tolls. I didnt have to buy clothes for work or have to pay someone to watch my youngest son after school. I've had my car for 2 years and still havent needed to put new brakes or tires because I never drive the thing. Not to mention the income tax deductions from having a home office. Working from home saved me an ass load of money!

I asked about this possible increase. He said they will review my performance after 3 months. If I have totally blown their socks off with my IT genius they will give me a raise. He couldnt tell me how much. He said maybe as low as 500.00 but he's sure it wont be higher than 2k. He told me that he also feels 50 is too low but they arent budging.

So now I really dont know what to do. This is a job that I really didnt want. I decided that I would take it when I thought they pay was 55. Now they're offering 50 and he flat out told me that this company doesnt give regular raises either. He said every 2 or 3 years they give 3%, nobody gets rich at that company but they treat you well.

Do I take a job paying less than what I'm worth? In this economy can I afford not to? The more I think about it the more I'm discovering that I dont want to work for people who make random assumptions about what motivates a person.

Decisions

My ex-boss called today (he and I got laid off on the same day). The guy from last week called him for a reference. I dont know what to do. I NEED a job. I hate what I've been doing (IT work). I really dont like this guy. I still have a few months left on unemployment. Do I take the chance and turn this down if he calls? Do I want to take a job doing something that I hate while working for a guy I dont like? The market is pretty bad, what if I dont get anything else?

I think I have to come to terms with my career choice. I need to learn to be happy with it because I really dont see any other options. As much as I would love to go back to school to learn something else, I cant afford to start a new career at entry level salary.

In other news... dinner tonight was amazing!! I got the recipe from weightwachers.com



Chicken Jambalaya

POINTS® Value: 7
Servings: 4
Preparation Time: 25 min
Cooking Time: 30 min
Level of Difficulty: Easy


This New Orleans specialty is a great choice for feeding your Mardi Gras crowd. Make it in advance and reheat before your guests arrive.

Ingredients


1 spray(s) cooking spray
2 1/2 oz raw turkey sausage, chopped
1 large onion(s), chopped
1 medium celery, stalk, chopped
1 small green pepper(s), chopped
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper, or to taste
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp table salt
1/2 tsp black pepper, ground
2 medium garlic clove(s), minced
2 medium chicken breast, cooked, skinless, cubed (about 2 cups)
28 oz canned tomatoes, whole, plum, peeled with juice
2 cup(s) fat-free chicken broth
1 cup(s) uncooked white rice, long-grain

Instructions
Coat a large, nonstick saucepan with cooking spray. Over high heat, sauté sausage until crispy on edges. Add onion, celery and green pepper; sauté until tender.
Reduce heat and stir in cayenne, thyme, salt, pepper and garlic; sauté until garlic is fragrant.
Stir in chicken, tomatoes, broth and rice. Bring to a simmer, cover and let cook until rice is tender, about 20 minutes. Yields about 1 1/4 cups per serving.

no news is still no news

Who ever came up with that "no news is good news" shit? No news is just that.... nothing new.

I have nothing new on the job front. I had that second interview last week. The guy said he'd call me on Monday with his decision, he didnt. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I really dont want to work for him. He is the kind of person who's never satisfied. He's firing the guy who has the job right now because "he hasnt grown enough". I dont even know what that means! So yeah, I'm not sure I want THAT job but I know that I need A job. I really cant afford to be picky.

I bought a copy of this months Entrepreneur magazine. On the cover it says "LAID OFF? START A BUSINESS IN '09" It seemed to be calling my name. Inside are all these franchises that they've rated in terms of growth potential. What they dont tell you is the startup costs to open one of these franchises. I googled a few and the cheapest I checked was 20k, the most expensive was over 200k. I've always wanted to own my own business, too bad I dont have the funds necessary to start one. I know I dont have to open a franchise but I am honestly not that creative. I dont know what business I'd be good at. Pretty high on the list is an Adam and Eve franchise. I have to admit I was intrigued. Selling adult toys and movies. LOL My kids would disown me!

Oh, on another note... I havent stepped on the warscale since the last time I blogged (5 days ago?). Today is my day to weigh in. I've lost 3 more pounds! One month and 2 days since I jumped and I've lost a total of 7 pounds! I'm feeling pretty damn good Thank you very much :D





Good night chickies!!!

another second interview

first of all, to anyone who suffered through Sundays post... I am sorry. I thought about deleting it but if I'm going to make this *lifestyle change* work then I need to be honest with myself about everything all the time.

So! On to better days :)

I had another second interview today, different company - I still havent heard from that other one. This was with the guy I met with last week (the one I was afraid of giving pink eye to). Speaking of the pink eye... it's grown into infected eye! Apparently I've scratched it so much that it's now infected. I have this goopy ointment that I have to stick in it 3 times a day. So yeah, today I met with the CFO and the VP. They had all kinds of non-technical questions for me. I think their job was to see if I *fit* into their team. We'll see. I sent my resume to another company today. Their advertising for a job that I can do and have a decent amount of experience with but it's not computer related. It's a slight paycut but not enough to be painful.

Wanna know a secret? I hate computers! I love that being a techy has allowed me to pay the rent and feed my kids for so many years but I hate it. If there was a second paycheck coming in my house I would definately go back to school and learn something completely new & different. Problem is, I cant afford to start a new career at entry level, not when I'm the only one bringing money in the house. I dont want to read trade magazines for the rest of my life. I want to read novels about love, murder mysteries, scary stories. I dont want to spend my life reading about the latest processors and the latest, greatest server hardware. I have so little time as it is to read. I hate that the only thing people want to talk to me about is the problem they're having with their computers. Here's a story..... while I was in the hospital after my fusion I needed physical therapy. Because my leg was paralyzed they had to teach me how to use a walker and how to manage my day to day life (at that point we didnt know if my leg would ever come back or not). The therapist walked into room with this walker. He showed me how to stand into it and take my first steps. The plan was for me to walk from my room to the end of the hallway and back. We made it to my door when he asked me what I did for a living. From that point on all he talked about was his printer sharing problems and the slow internet connection he has at home. We didnt talk about my therapy at all. That happens all the time. People that I havent spoken to in years suddenly remember my phone number when their monitors stop working or when they need to upgrade and need shopping advice. I had a friend from high school. She got married, had a baby & moved away. I spoke to her twice after she had her son then she moved and we lost touch. One day - TWO YEARS LATER - my phone rings. It's her! Wow! Its so good to hear your voice. How are you? Oh we're fine. My husband is trying to create his ebay page but cant figure out how to make the background black. Do you know how to do that? So I give her the html code that she needs for the page to have a black background. She says thanks and hangs up. That's my life.

Ok. What else is new? My middle son broke his hand yesterday. I spent all day at that hospital only this time I walked right by that discharge window. He has insurance but there was still a copay. I'll mail them a check for 35 bucks when the bill comes.

Since I was at the hospital all day there was no dieting. The school nurse called while I was just sitting down for breakfast so I didnt get to eat it. It was after 4 when we got home. I was exhausted and my back was screaming at me in 4 different languages. We ordered Dominos and I called it a night.

Oh well, back on the wagon. Is it really a surprise that I havent lost any more weight? I started this *lifestyle change* on January 6th. Today is February 4th and I've lost 4 pounds. I spend more time falling off the wagon then I do sitting on it. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up.

Go Steelers!

(long and whiney..... sad and depressing.... probably best to just skip today - come back tomorrow for happier thoughts)

Today was a hard day to get through. The Steelers are in the superbowl (they're winning but it's not over yet). My dad was the biggest Steelers fan. His house was decorated in Steelers colors, he had terrible towels made into seat covers for his car. He was buried in his Jerome Bettis jersey. At the cemetary we all wore our Steelers jerseys. Today I miss him the most. I can almost hear him yelling at the tv. When I close my eyes I can see him. Then I cry.

Dad and I had a strained relationship. He and my mom split up when I was 7. In the beginning he got a room in a boarding house a few blocks from where we lived so that he could stay close. We saw him a lot in the beginning. Then he met Joan. She had 4 kids of her own, the youngest was around 2 years old if not younger. My grandparents were married almost 50 years, my dad wanted that more than anything... even more than he wanted his kids. He couldnt have it with my mother. He was determined to make it work with Joan... no matter what it took. The longer he was with Joan the less he was with me and my brother. At first they moved across town but he stopped paying child support. His excuse was always the same "Joans kids need _____", "I had to buy ____ for Joans kids". Her kids were becoming his kids and his kids were becoming invisible. Eventually she took him away completely. Her son Michael was in the air force stationed in VA. Joan couldnt stand being away from one of her kids so they moved there. It'd be 15 years before I'd see my dad again.

I remember being SO bitter! Everything I that I would do during those first few years was designed to get his attention. I got good grades... he didnt notice. I got bad grades.... he didnt notice. I did drugs.... he didnt notice. Nothing I did was enough to make him notice me. Then he was gone for good. Joan won. She'd gotten what she wanted... she had him all to herself. They were a nice, happy family with no reminders of his *other life*

Eventually, I got married. I picked a man that I knew he would hate. I sent him an invitation to our wedding, he sent me back the ashes of that invitation. I had done it. I had FINALLY gotten daddys attention! I dont think I ever loved him for who he was. I loved my husband because my father hated him. Husband and I had 2 kids. Husband had more girlfriends than he had socks. Husband finally left.

I dont even remember how it happened. I just remember one day dad and I talking but I'm sure it was me who finally broke and picked up the phone. Dad and I had finally started putting the pieces back together when he got sick. We didnt have enough time. Why is there never enough time? I dont know if we honestly forgave each other or if we lied to make the other feel better. 10 years and I still dont have an answer.

Dads cancer was discovered during a routine chest x-ray. He was going in the hospital to have a cataract removed. It was during the preadmission testing that they found it. Small cell cancer in his right lung. 9 months later he was gone. I was pregnant when they found out so they didnt tell me. They waited until I'd had my son. As soon as I found out the kids and I drove out to see him. I saw him again a few months later and, even though he looked fine, I knew it'd be the last time I ever saw him alive. Cancer never emaciated my dad. He was always a big guy, he had that big belly in the front. He had it when he was young and he had it the day he died. I remember being in the funeral home, alone in the room with just the coffin and my brother. I was so mad at him. I lost my mind. I hit him. I was a lunatic in a funeral home punching a body and screaming at him. I wasnt done yet! WE werent done yet! How could you leave me when we werent finished!

The sicker he got the more his disease became about Joan. I called him almost every day towards the end and every day I would get to hear Joan complain about how hard it was for HER. I would ask how he was and she would tell me how SHE was. One day I called to talk to him but he was sleeping. Joan told me that he'd had a rough night. She asked if she should wake him but I told her no. "Let him sleep" I said, "I'll call him later during my lunch break". You see, I wanted to get her off the phone before she started. I told her that I was late for work but I wasnt. I just didnt want to hear about HER night again. 2 hours later my step-sister called to tell me he was gone. If only I'd had her wake him! If I'd had her wake him that morning maybe the coma wouldnt have taken him, maybe he'd never have gone into a coma at all. People sitting at the breakfast table just dont suddenly go into comas. If I'd had her wake him he would've been at the table. If I hadnt been in such a rush to get her off the phone and had her wake him then maybe the coma would've been found in time to get him to a hospital. Maybe they could've saved him.

I'm sure the rest of the family feels the same way. They also blame me. They have to. They treated us like shit at the wake and after. There was no room for my brother and me in the funeral car. The funeral director thought that was so wrong that he let me ride in the hurst. They read his will and saw that he'd left his house to his grand-neice (nothing for his biological children, no mention of us at all in fact). They sold that house and split the money between them ignoring his final wishes. Those kids... the kids he left us for, the ones he replaced us with... none of those kids even cared if he had a headstone or not. I found out 2 years later that my dad STILL had no stone. They left him buried there like a John Doe. I'm in NJ, dad is buried in PA so buying one in person wasnt possible. I called the cemetary and they put me in touch with a local dealer. Working by email and fax machine that man and I designed a headstone that dad would be proud to have. I had a football helmet engraved on the back of it. That man was sent to me by God, I'm sure of it. I was then and still am a single parent. When he told me how much the stone would cost I started to cry. I didnt have that kind of money. I was a waitress with 3 kids to feed. That man, a total stranger almost 800 miles away, put that stone on my dads grave and let me make payments. Every week I sent him a check until it was paid in full.

Today was so hard. I'm wearing my own Jerome Bettis jersey. It's the one that I bought to wear to the cemetary. I've thought about him all day and even more tonight. I have his picture on the coffee table, pretending that he's here with me. Pretending that we'd had enough time to fix everything. I sit here tonight, rooting for his team, hoping that he really did love me. Hoping that, in the end, he knew that I really loved him.

4th quarter. Cardinals just scored. I can hear him yelling from here. Do they have superbowl parties in Heaven? I didnt get to have any buffalo wings or pizza bagels today. I hope my dad did.