stupid stupid stupid

I did something monumentally stupid. I was going to give the neanderthal another chance. I know! I know! BIG mistake but I couldnt help myself. He came here Thursday night. He was so sweet and sad. How much he missed me. How sorry he is. He wanted to stay the night but I said no. I could've said yes, nobody was home. But something inside me screamed NO. He asked if he could come back on Friday and I said yes. He didnt show up. He called yesterday and said that he had called here but got no answer, he figured I'd gone out. Why would I go out if I was expecting him? He swore that he called. It was a lame excuse, I was home waiting and nobody else was here. Somehow I convinced myself that maybe one of the kids was on the phone before they left and didnt answer the beep. He said he would see me that night. The kids went out and I sat here waiting. I waited until 2am then went to bed. It's after 9pm and he hasnt called yet. I will NOT call him no matter how badly I want to. I want to call and tell him what a jerkoff he is but I have to be honest. There's this voice whispering in my ear telling me there was a good reason. I hate that voice. It lies. It lets me do things that I know are stupid and wrong.

I just cannot believe I let myself do this again. Why is it so hard to let go? We were together for 14 years. I spent every day of each year planning a future for us. We had a child together. My head wants to scream at "what did I do wrong". But I know it wasnt me who broke us. He refused to budge. He lies and he cheats and refused to make any type of sacrifice at all. It was his way or no way and I hate him for making me waste so much of my life on a lie. But damnit I am sooo tired of being alone. I'm no good alone. I just dont get it. I see other women, they have somebody. Women bigger than me, plainer than me, nastier than me. They all have somebody to hold them at night. What am I doing wrong? I tried the dating thing. I posted about my dating thing. None of them worked out.

I watched a movie on Lifetime tonight. The woman was psychic and she saw things. Mostly she saw people getting murdered but she saw other things too. I sat here half wishing that I could see the future too. I want to see into the future and see that I wont be alone for the rest of my life. But I have this strong, nagging feeling that I will.

I can sit here right now and say outloud "I would rather be alone than to be treated like shit" but I think on some level that might be a lie.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that I dont need a man. Nobody NEEDS one but I sure as hell WANT one.

I didnt eat today. I had my 3 cups of coffee like I normally do but that was it. I had half of a hamburger for dinner and some salad. I know that I should eat but I dont want to.

I hate this blog design